Saturday, May 12, 2012

The Unapologetic Me

    Another phase of self-analysis. Or more of the ongoing perpetual therapy session, not sure which. But I have moved away from my harsh self-flagellation that was my proclivity in the not so distant past. Okay, haven't completely left the whips behind, nor the hair shirt and cilice band. But they are kept in the closet and only brought out for special occasions. Now that my Demons have ceased their relentless berating and taunting, at least for a few days, I can delve a little deeper into my psyche, past the scar tissue, past the still oozing wounds. I can touch on feelings revealed by the quieting of the voices of failure. Amazing how much more one can hear, when the babble has been silenced. I never know how long the silence will last, there are already murmurings, echos, sibilant hissing. But right now, this moment, there is mostly silence. Today has been a day of mostly silence. Hard work in the outdoors, productive, manic endeavors do help to push the voices to the rear of the bus. Yes, I do know that my mania kicked into high gear yesterday to stave off an episode I could feel lurking just out of sight. But that is part of Mania's job, to stave off another episode.
    With the quieting of my demons, the hushing of the voices, a manic sense of accomplishment, came one of those rare moments of clarity. I saw it and seized upon it before it could flee to the netherworld and beyond my grasp. It was triggered by the underlying hunger that has been nipping at my heels, making me ache, leaving me less than satisfied. It was a moment when I realized that I have been looking in all the wrong corners, under all the wrong rocks. Looking for something that I am beginning to think does not exist. My hunger, which I know cannot be satisfied with the banal, the bland, the plebeian, may be something I will just have to learn to live with. I may need to find another course, a surrogate, a replacement for a hunger that I think is not to be satiated. Why? Why have I suddenly become convinced that I will be ever craving, ever hungry, never satisfied? Because I need to be the Unapologetic Me. I used this word today in a missive to a friend, by sheer dumb luck, too much coffee, and an unstemmed stream of consciousness. The Unapologetic Me. Me, unapologetically bi-polar, unbridled, unashamed, ricocheting wildly through emotions, bouncing off walls, climbing the walls, curled in a corner, rambling, incoherent, creative, medicated, insomniac, obsessive, focused, weeping, raging, sensitive, neurotic, damaged, deviant, caring, devoted, honest, lunatic, grounded, balanced, flighty, spacy, tattooed punk, leather clad biker, earth mother, hippie chick. I need to be totally accepted for who I am, not have to only share a fraction of Me. I cannot continue to hide elements of my nature that are vital to my soul, as I have done within every relationship I have ever been involved in. Every single one. This winter I was even told that one condition of a relationship was that I would have to stay on my meds. Seriously. At the moment I agreed. Several moments later I was thinking, "What the fuck did I just agree too? And who the hell are they to make such a command?" As you can imagine, that did not end well. I have found that every time I begin to share some of the more critical elements of what makes me Me, I can be pretty sure that I am crossing the line, and that chances are I will never get the chance to speak to that person again. It is weird. I'm not saying I don't have plenty of friends who take me just as I am, but they are not subjected to me day in and day out. They get to see me at my best and most charming. Okay, I think I am pretty damned charming when I am at my most deranged, but maybe I am seeing it from a slanted perspective. And I do shelter everyone from me when I am hovering near the abyss, that is just plain courtesy on my part. But I honestly cannot imagine meeting someone who will take every aspect about me at face value, understand that it is part of me, that I do not need fixing, that I do not need healing. I doubt there is a single person out there who can meet the Unapologetic Me and not flinch. I do not say this out of conceit, I wish it were that simple. I say this from experience. And so, I realize that by making the decision to only accept someone who can accept every facet of this gem, I may well be making a conscious decision that will set me up for a lifetime of solitude, or at least singleness. And I realize that I am okay with that. I want, need to be Me, raw, uncensored, unabridged The Unapologetic Me.

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