Thursday, May 3, 2012
Disjointed And Disconnected
Feeling disjointed and disconnected. Nothing seems to flow, everything has a hitch. I can't even form cohesive sentences, my brain, mouth and hands seem to be on different frequencies. There are days when I feel I have split into several personas; capable worker-bee, spaced out writer, confused gender, emotional spaz. All of this, packed inside my skull with no persona dominant or in control. It makes me feel as though my own body and brain were pulling me in every direction at once. Highs to lows. In and out. Back and forth. No control, no cohesiveness, no plan of attack. And so all I can do is drift along waiting for an inspiration to pull me out of the quagmire that can be my brain. It isn't easy. I can't stay focused on a task, my mind wanders the dark paths of my past, and at times my brain is filled with a nonsensical jabbering/singing as if it is attempting to block outside interference. It is mentally exhausting. And I don't know how to regain my focus. I try a hundred different plans and ideas with no benefit. Instead I must just let my many personas wear each other out, until only the strongest is left in control. But it is exhausting.