Thursday, May 24, 2012

Off The Deep End, and Back Again

    Off the Deep End, and back again. When you have gone beyond the edge, fallen into the abyss, walked through fire, and managed to find your way back, it causes irrevocable changes. It alters reality on a level that cannot be understood except by those who have traveled a similar path. I know that my personal journey was not as arduous nor dreadful as what others have had to go through, and through it all I knew that I would find my way back. I never reached the point of total despair, just abject misery, near loss of all hope, and demoralizing despair. There really is a huge difference in degree, once a certain level has been plummeted to. Rock bottom for me is still several levels of hell higher than what many must endure.
    But I do not trivialize my personal journeys. I have no desire to be the "lowest." That is definitely an honor that I do not strive to achieve. When deep in the clutches of the abyss, in the heart of the fire, it was near to impossible to make myself believe that there would be a way out. That I would survive relatively intact. Diving into the deep, I was forever changed, and I feel as if it has left an indelible mark on me. I see it now as a mark of honor, a scarred over war wound to be proudly displayed, at least to myself. I have reached a point of relative stability, it has been a full week since I have cried, and I feel stronger, more capable and revitalized. Plunging off the Deep End, submerging into the darkness, baptized by fire, cleansed, scoured free of accumulated grime, swept of detritus, returned to the light.
    I feel reawakened. As if the last decade was spent in somnolence, sleep walking through life, accepting what came my way without a fight, choosing the path of least resistance, letting my edge be dulled, my surface tarnished. But that is not who I am. It took the plunge into darkness, Off the Deep End, to revitalize my spirit, even if it came near to breaking my mind. I can look back, reflect, appreciate my heroic endeavor, marvel at my strength, wonder at my resilience. I am forever changed, altered, metamorphosized by the experience. I am strengthened. I feel closer to realizing my full potential. I have reconnected to Me that was lost so very long ago. I am stronger, resolved to not compromise my happiness, self esteem, health, spirit, heart for anyone. I am as the steel heated in the white hot fire, hammered against and anvil, and then plunged into the cold, dark, deep waters. I am strong, unbreakable, honed sharp, polished smooth. Dangerous. Graceful. Sleek. A work of Art; Forged in Fire, Tempered in The Deep.

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