Monday, October 24, 2011

Life in Limbo

    Life is making me more than just a trifle crazy lately. It seems I spend so much time waiting for results of my every effort, left in Limbo, adrift, hovering, clock watching. I want to move forward with so many aspects of Life, and I make concerted efforts to do so, but it feels as if I put my attempts out into the ether and then have to sit back and wait an eternity to see if the powers that be even noticed my endeavors.
    As I wait of course I think of everything that could go wrong with every plan that I try to set into motion. I will obsessively go over transactions in my head, searching for flaws, I will re-proofread documents and applications looking for any minutiae that may act as a rock in the cogs. The problem with Limbo is it gives me far too much time to think, ponder, obsess, tweak.
    I mentally rein myself in, try to force Brain to move onto a different track, change speed and direction. But inevitably, Brain will jump back onto the obsession track if I'm not riding the reins hard, watching every move, sensing underlying quivers of disobedience. Damn Brain anyway.
    I do tell myself that being in Limbo about housing, job, life in general, is far less stressful than waiting to hear back on biopsy results, or news on a missing or injured family member, or... or... or... There are so many other things far worse to be waiting for than whether or not I will get to buy a house, get a better paying job, or figure out what I want to do with my life. I know that Limbo such as mine is agonizing more because it is the anticipation and knowledge that I am standing on the edge on an abyss of unknown depth, waiting to step off into a new adventure of unlimited potential. 

Friday, October 21, 2011

Cause and Effect

    Cause and Effect. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Immoveable Object, Unstoppable Force.
    I am often overanalytical about how my actions affect the world around me. There are times when I become nearly paralyzed with the knowledge of how my every action and deed can have a ripple affect, changing the world around me, even if only by an infinitesimal mote. Plastic bags, recycling, chemical cleaners, oil spills, garbage, excessive packaging. How my behaviors, emotions, reactions, words can influence those around me either for good or ill. A misunderstood phrase, a snatch of conversation taken out of context, a squint mistaken for a scowl, short temper, anxiety caused over-reactions. All the little minutiae of life that add up to who I am, what I do, how I am perceived.
    Lately, as I ponder how I am often overconcerned at how my behavior affects those around me, I am stymied at how often others are completely unaware at just how much their actions affect those around them. So many people are willing to point fingers at the misbehavior of those in their life without pondering just how their own actions, words and deeds may have created or caused the behavior. They move through life oblivious, unconcerned. They cannot see the ripples, or just choose to ignore them. Cause and Effect. Action, Reaction.
    We are influenced by the events around us, just as the events around us are influenced by our Actions and Reactions. Cause and Effect. I see this as a giant spider web; touch any part of the web and the vibration will be felt throughout, the spider reacts, deciding if it is food or threat, then acts accordingly. Flee or Feed.
    I know how my actions can influence those around me. Whether it is just a smile and courtesy to the overworked gas station attendant, or a short tempered reaction to another inane question from an annoying telemarketer. I also know how my words and actions can affect those that I care about. And this is where caution must be taken. The closer you are to someone, the deeper your affect on them.
    On the flip side of this, I am having to force myself to be less concerned at how my actions affect others, and instead focus on how my actions affect ME. Too many times in my life I have been untrue to myself, to my nature, to my very essence, all because I have been concerned with action and reaction. How I am perceived, how I am judged, how I measure up. Every time it has happened, I see what I have done, analyze my behavior, see the reasons behind my actions and vow to never do it again. And yet, I fall into the same pattern again. It is a self-sabotaging behavior. I know it for what it is. I can even see myself doing it again, and will justify it because I tell myself I am merely adjusting to a relationship, making a few compromises as we all must to make a relationship work, being easy-going, mellow. And to some degree, this is true. But I often find myself agreeing to things I don't want to do, modifying my behavior to fit an acceptable role.
    Because of this, I feel like in the public eye I am often playing a role in life. Just a walk on actor, a stand in, a body double, the understudy. I know I do this because I feel as if I were to be completely myself, no holds barred, unguarded, that I would find myself even  more an outcast than I already feel. I know all my friends would argue this, tell me they love me for who I am, would accept me no matter what. And of a few of them, I would believe this. I know my close family would love me no matter what, because that is what we do (just as I would love them, protect them and cherish them no matter what). 
    But to the world in general, only a fraction of me is for public viewing. The rest is shielded by caution. As for my relationships, sometimes I think that those I have been closest to may know me the least, for it is for them that I have altered myself the most. This is a tragedy.
    As I read over these words, they are rambling and raw. Incoherence caused by fatigue, stress, and inner confusion. I am at an odd crossroads in my life. I am presented with paths that will alter the world as I know it, change my life completely and irrevocably. I have paths  before me that must be taken despite the pain, anguish, stress, loneliness, discomfort and fear that are with me now and will be my companions for some time to come. It is because of choices I have made, am making and have yet to make that I am grappling with Cause and Effect. I know I need to be true to myself, find my own way, keep moving forward despite the ripples that spread out from every step I take. I am struggling to take complete ownership of my life, my fate, my destiny. I accept the consequences of my actions, and refuse to justify my reactions. I know I can do this by Myself, for Myself.
    I will become the Immovable Object and the Unstoppable Force.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

The Year of Me

    So much has happened in the last 6 weeks that I have neglected my writing for a few weeks. Not that I haven't thought of writing, actually sat down to write, typed out words time and time again. But then I have deleted them because of the stress, misery and negativity that was fueling every attempt. It has been a hard few weeks for me with most of my life in shambles, and me using all my strength to crawl up from the wreckage and managing to present a calm demeanor to the world. It hasn't been easy. When I'm alone the facade tends to crack and crumble, causing restless days, sleepless nights, mental and physical pain, and emotional anguish.
    I'm sure you can see from the words already leaking onto the page my reasons for having deleted every blog written the last few weeks. Even when I attempt to move onward to positivity, the carnage of my personal life rears it's head to slather my words with the gore of battle. Yes, it was a hard fought battle, and one in which I imagine I was the victor. But really, in any battle with massive casualties is there really any winner? No. All participants lose. It was not a victory, so much as a triage. Triage to try and remove parts of me so damaged they cannot be salvaged. But there is the residual "Phantom Limb" pain. I know what I have lost, what is gone, missing, but the pain cannot be denied. The pain is oh so very real. And there is no effective means of numbing the pain, I can only try to ignore it.
    But I digress into morose, stress, angst. Really, where I was going with this is that I do feel like I am gradually making my way back into the light. Getting myself on track. Pursuing personal goals that have been long sidelined, striving to make my life what I know it can be. I am facing a lot of hard work in the next year or two or ten, but I do not shy away from hard work. Through the long night I have managed to keep my Eyes on The Prize, as if it were the glowing nightlight at the end of a long, treacherous corridor. I am so close to my prize, a goal I have dreamed of for too many years. I know there are people out there who encouraged me, told me to not give up, but honestly I feel like it has been sheer tenacity that has finally led me this close to finally realizing a dream. Granted, there has been sacrifice, but every hard-won goal requires more than stamina, perseverence and planning, it also requires that pound of flesh. I have paid dearly over the years for dreams that were really only fantasies, so now to have a solid goal almost within my grasp is heady brew. A brew that is helping to rebuild my self-esteem and self-worth that were paid out in generous proportions with very little gain.
    I feel like I am finally going to have the chance to replenish my coffers of personal energy and passions that have been so depleted these past few years. Depleted through my own reckless spending. I should know better, now do know better, and am striving to be more cautious with how and where I spend my energies and emotions. That isn't easy for someone with my Leap Before I Look nature. I tend to launch myself into my own ideas, plans, and schemes at a reckless, breakneck pace only to get yanked up by the short-hairs of reality. I like being able to get wildly excited, emotionally invested, and crazily ramped up over a plan/idea. The downside is the inevitable Crash and Burn of Real Life. But now, my focus can be on Me, My Life, My Plans, My Destiny. I can finally rush headlong towards dreams and goals with only my own personal limitations to be overcome. Like I said, it is a Heady Brew, this feeling of control over my own Destiny. A control that has been a long time coming, a hard won treasure, paid for with more than a pound of flesh. Yes, I expect it can and will be a difficult, lonely journey at times, but again, there is always a price to be paid.
I am coming into the Year of Me. Finally.