Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Where To From Here?

    There has been a feeling of impending change lurking over me for far too long. This past year I have tried several paths to change, but each was a dead end. I like to think that this is not failure, but merely a way to learn which path to not take in the future. I have also tried several paths that still have promise, but am not getting any feedback from the feelers I have put out. Now, with my birthday staring me in the face it seems as if the need for change is even more pressing.
    I have changed jobs three times in the last 6 months, with another inevitable change looming. A definite record for me. I do not like job insecurity, but it seems as if it has been a way of life for me for the last decade or more. It's not a comfortable feeling. I keep finding myself  forced into jobs strictly for financial reasons, no altruism or passion involved. I'm hating that. Now I find myself in a job that I like, but that is too unreliable as far as hours go, and is proving to be a bit too hard on my body. I love that it is physical, but apparently my aging infrastructure is less pleased. So, where to now?
    Again, I am being forced to look at the practical: Money and benefits. I need to make a certain amount of money, that is a no-brainer. I also need to regain medical and dental insurance, something that I took for granted forever, until I lost it 3 years ago. It seems that every job that I know I would enjoy comes at low wages, part time, and no benefits. Again, where to now?
    I want to go back to school. I can't really afford to, but the desire is strong. What would I study? Now there is the million dollar question. Plagued with the question, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" I know going to school just for the sake of learning would be awesome, but not practical. Figuring out a reason for an education is eluding me. I know what I like to do. I know that none of it would likely make me a decent living, and definitely wouldn't come with insurance or a retirement plan. So here I am, at a time when I should be thinking, "Gee, only 10 years to retirement." Instead, I am pondering ways to keep afloat, keep my creativity, and keep my soul. I'm too old for this shit.
    Back to the schooling aspect. Instead of bemoaning no money for tuition, and no desire to rack up student loan debt, I am searching out online classes offered for free. Would it get me to a degree? No. But that has never been the actual goal. It's not a priority. Where it might, just might, get me is on a path to figuring out the aforementioned question, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" Of course, my scholastic leanings are more juvenile than intellectual. I find the older I get the more juvenile my tastes. I want to build things, repair things, make cool stuff out of junk. I want to repair bicycles, weld, fix motorcycles and lawnmowers. I want to get paint spattered, and greasy. Most people don't know it but 20+ years ago I looked into the program for Harley mechanics. I wanted to enroll so badly, but the nearest school was Phoenix, Arizona. With kids at home there was no way I could have relocated for 18 months. I don't know where any of this would take me, but there you have it. I want to be a greasemonkey.
    Seriously though. I am formulating a plan. Yes, one that will require the grownup step of getting into the full time with benefits job. But maybe, just maybe, I can figure out how to somehow make it all work. There just isn't enough time in the day for me to do the things that need doing. I get so overwhelmed by all the things, that I do none of the things. I wish I had the financial security of a kid, so I really could focus on what I want to be when I grow up. But, unfortunately, I am the grownup, with the grownup responsibilities, as well as the kid at heart that just wants to know where I am going from here.