This is how the conversations have gone:
"Hey, remember the last time? You were really hammered."
Me, "No, I wasn't."
"Yeah you were. You were totally lit!"
"I was drinking coffee."
"No way, but I saw you..."
"And then you..."
"Uh huh. Stone cold sober."
"But you were.... and it was hilarious."
Rambunctious. Eager. Enthusiastic. Excitable. Delirious. Intense. Joyful. Enraptured. Rowdy.
Or... Hyper. Obsessive. Manic. Spastic. Dysfunctional. Childish. Fixated. Intimidating.
"Relax." "Breathe." "Take it easy." "Grow up." "Knock it off." "Take it easy." "Settle down." "Simmer down." "Slow down." "Sit down." Down, down, down.
No! No I will not. I will not take it easy, settle down, or grow up. I will not rein myself in for propriety's sake. I want to bounce off the walls. Run down the halls singing at the top of my lungs. I want to do cartwheels in the grass. I want to live my life to the utmost. I have spent too many years of my life trying to obey some unspoken rules on "Grownup" behavior. I call bullshit. I want to charge ahead, full speed, feeling the winds of my very existence with the same physicality as 85 mph on the back of my beloved Bob. My life is my own, to enjoy, to revel in, to share, and I will not be tightfisted. I want to consume life with both hands, wrap myself around it, let it explode all around me, revel in the messy glory of it all. I want to feel life, laughter, and love with every fiber of my being. I want to experience all that the Universe has to offer. I will not Settle Down. I will not Rein Myself In. I am rambunctious. It is who I am. I am and always have been the Whirlwind, the Maelstrom, the Fire Within. There is far too much joy to be experienced, too much laughter to release upon the world, too much love to share, too much life to even think about trying to rein myself in. I am me. I am Rambunctious.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
My life is amazing. I believe the Universe is striving to teach me to live my life fully. The last few years I have walked through fire, fallen into the Abyss and climbed my way out, stumbled down pathways that lead to dead ends and briar patches, fallen, been knocked down, trampled, picked myself up and wiped the blood from my nose. I have cried and raged against the darkness, battled demons, wept at tragic loss. I have felt discarded, used up and tossed aside, second best, winner by default only, never the first choice. Through it all I knew, knew in my heart that my happiness depended on me, myself, no one else. Against the assaults of the chaos that reigns around me I have held tight to the belief that I am the mistress of my destiny, that my life and happiness depend on me. I have held tight to my eternal optimism, the Fire that burns within my heart. I have not allowed myself to become tarnished, jaded, disillusioned. I have accepted my injuries, taken the hits, massaged balm into the wounds as they heal, cherishing the scars that I wear as a tiger wears her stripes. But I know I try to force things to happen, often when the time is not ripe. I struggle to make change happen, burning energy until I exhaust myself. Then, when I finally relax, realize I am content with who and where I am, allow the Universe to come to me, and fill my eyes with the beauty of the night sky, then and only then, do events to slip into place. Smooth, sweet, and easy. When I open myself to the possibilities the Universe has to offer, the Universe answers. My life is amazing.
Friday, August 9, 2013
I love my life. I do. I am living My Dream in ways I had only barely imagined just a few short years ago. So why then do I have the itch of dissatisfaction niggling at me? I can hear it whispering, but can't make out the words. I am plummeting through my life at an astonishing pace, a pace of my choosing. I am careening from one week to the next, enjoying the ride, eagerly anticipating the upcoming twists and turns. My life is a helluva ride, and I am loving every minute. So what is the problem? Why do I feel the quiver of my demons trying to make a reappearance? Of course I know that they are never really gone, they just slumber in the shadows, waiting for the slightest tremor, the merest hint of a crack in my armor, the barest breath of doubt to wake them from their somnolence. They are still sleeping, though restless. I do not expect any nocturnal visits from them, but then, they often show up as unexpected and unwanted guests. So what is it that is trying to disturb the peace? Right now I feel as if I have it all; my own little home, a job that I love, I am in the best physical condition of my life, I am enjoying the now and anticipating the future. So what could be lacking? As much as I try to deny it, as much as I relish my freedom, as much pride as I take in my independence, the truth is that I am lonely. Funny thing, I am currently getting in more socializing on a daily basis than I think I ever have before. Between work, time spent at the station, races, neighborly visits over the fence, cuddling the grandbaby, I am truly having a wonderful social life. There should be nothing more that I need. Should be. But should rarely ever is. This feeling comes and goes. More often than not I am more than content. But some nights, like tonight, I miss having someone out there who cares that I am lonely. Someone who wants to tell me "goodnight," even if it is only via text.Someone who wishes I was with them. Truth be told, I think I am too much for most. Too independent, too free spirited, too busy, too active, too happy, too honest, too giving, too loving. I am not for the faint of heart, the insecure, the broken. Neither am I for the brash, the arrogant, the egotistical, for that is nothing but a mask for the faint of heart, the insecure, the broken. Maybe I see too deeply into the hearts of others, and give too willingly my own heart. Whatever the reason, the rationale, I am left standing alone, rejected. Rejected, or set free? I cherish my freedom, maybe the occasional bout of loneliness is the price I will always have to pay. But right now, at this moment, I am lonely. And tired of being alone. Tomorrow I will wake, independent, wild and free, as it should be. I am free to be who I was meant to be.