Friday, August 9, 2013
I love my life. I do. I am living My Dream in ways I had only barely imagined just a few short years ago. So why then do I have the itch of dissatisfaction niggling at me? I can hear it whispering, but can't make out the words. I am plummeting through my life at an astonishing pace, a pace of my choosing. I am careening from one week to the next, enjoying the ride, eagerly anticipating the upcoming twists and turns. My life is a helluva ride, and I am loving every minute. So what is the problem? Why do I feel the quiver of my demons trying to make a reappearance? Of course I know that they are never really gone, they just slumber in the shadows, waiting for the slightest tremor, the merest hint of a crack in my armor, the barest breath of doubt to wake them from their somnolence. They are still sleeping, though restless. I do not expect any nocturnal visits from them, but then, they often show up as unexpected and unwanted guests. So what is it that is trying to disturb the peace? Right now I feel as if I have it all; my own little home, a job that I love, I am in the best physical condition of my life, I am enjoying the now and anticipating the future. So what could be lacking? As much as I try to deny it, as much as I relish my freedom, as much pride as I take in my independence, the truth is that I am lonely. Funny thing, I am currently getting in more socializing on a daily basis than I think I ever have before. Between work, time spent at the station, races, neighborly visits over the fence, cuddling the grandbaby, I am truly having a wonderful social life. There should be nothing more that I need. Should be. But should rarely ever is. This feeling comes and goes. More often than not I am more than content. But some nights, like tonight, I miss having someone out there who cares that I am lonely. Someone who wants to tell me "goodnight," even if it is only via text.Someone who wishes I was with them. Truth be told, I think I am too much for most. Too independent, too free spirited, too busy, too active, too happy, too honest, too giving, too loving. I am not for the faint of heart, the insecure, the broken. Neither am I for the brash, the arrogant, the egotistical, for that is nothing but a mask for the faint of heart, the insecure, the broken. Maybe I see too deeply into the hearts of others, and give too willingly my own heart. Whatever the reason, the rationale, I am left standing alone, rejected. Rejected, or set free? I cherish my freedom, maybe the occasional bout of loneliness is the price I will always have to pay. But right now, at this moment, I am lonely. And tired of being alone. Tomorrow I will wake, independent, wild and free, as it should be. I am free to be who I was meant to be.