I've been thinking a lot about Heart these days. My heart, family's heart, friend's heart. There is so much ache, soul searching, loss, and grief rippling through the lives of those I cherish, including myself.
I know part of this is the ongoing stress and anxiety of the current geopolitical wreckage and chaos that swirls about, beyond our control. We, as a whole, are suffering from battle fatigue. I include in this the angry, racist assholes who have recently felt the need and justification to scream their bigotry and hatred to the world. No, I am not going to make excuses for their horrific behavior. But, one of the powers of an empath is to see the world through the eyes of another. I feel that some of this invective spewing hatred comes from a deep sense of futility, helplessness, and struggle brought on by the widening gap between the Haves and the Have-nots. They still believe that the "American Dream" is a reality, a right, and within their reach, if only there wasn't *someone* standing in their way. They need to blame someone for their own failure to reach the level of prosperity that generations before us were able to obtain on a lower income, working class paycheck. They won't see that this has slipped away. They still think this has to be *somebody's fault.* Feel free to fill in the blank of who should be blamed. I don't condone the behavior, or am I making excuses. It is abhorrent, but I can see where their hatred comes from.
That being said, I, and so many that I know and love, are fighting to maintain even the tiniest fingerhold on that fantasy that we should be able to survive and thrive if we have a job, work hard, and don't waste money where it shouldn't be wasted. These days though, wasting money is as simple as maybe picking up a pizza instead of sticking to the grocery budget. Or ordering that $5 book online that you've wanted for years. Or buying new socks and underwear. Gods forbid if you should have a financial emergency like a broken down car. Then you are doomed.
Life is hard and getting harder. The world powers and problems loom over us like a lug-soled leather boot over an ant colony. There is little we can do to calm the gross problems that are affecting us now and will only increase in the next months and years, possibly decades.
This brings me back to Heart. Mine, your's, our's. I protect my heart, as a general rule. But if I love you, I will love you with all my heart. It is all I know how to do. In this day and age I feel that Love for Each Other is the greatest Super Power available. It is what will save us from utter destruction. In the fairly recent past I was told that I have "a Hero's Heart," and that I have a "Heart, strong and true, though loyal to a fault." This from two people who's opinions I do trust, and these comments made me both proud and humble. I am not absolutely sure what it means, except that I do Love with All My Heart. And I understand the power of Love, the power of Heart, the power of Light.
In these, some of our darkest of days, knowing that darker days are likely in our future, we need the Light of strong Hearts to prevent our slipping into the dark abyss. We need the kind of strength that comes from love and loyalty of friends and family. In the end I think it will save us all. Or, if not, at least I know that I will go down fighting.
Tuesday, July 17, 2018
Thursday, June 7, 2018
A Drop in The Ocean
It has been so long since I've written. So much happening and yet so much seems to feel like the Hamster on a Wheel. Changing jobs, again. Financially insecure, as usual. Still wondering what do I want to be when I grow up (though I doubt that question will ever be answered to my satisfaction). Happily single, mostly. Raging against the Machine, as always.
In this time of political and social unrest I often feel like my problems are small by comparison. A Drop in the Ocean. But since it is my life the problems loom with the barometric pressure of a thunderstorm. Stepping back and looking at the big picture though, it is easy to see how my problems are intertwined with the problems of the world. The global stresses press down on all of us, creating anxiety and insecurity. We fear where we are going, what our children and grandchildren will be facing if we can't manage to pull back from the brink of causing our own mass extinction.
Stepping back from the global picture, because again, each of us is a mere drop in the ocean if we look too large, there is nothing I can do at this moment to save a beached whale dying from a belly full of plastic. What I can do, on my very small scale is use less plastic, be responsible for my one little drop. I can't stop gun violence in Chicago, but I can practice peace and love in my little drop. I can't change the climate back to pre-industrial purity, but I can use less plastic, plant for pollinators and wildlife, use water sparingly, find alternatives to toxic products. be responsible for my little drop.
I see movements all around the globe of small groups doing one small thing. A grass roots company in Kenya that takes discarded flip-flops that wash up on the beach by the thousands and uses them to create beautiful animal sculptures. Surfers who have designed a machine that skims the ocean collecting garbage. Children who make dolls for other children who need that bit of kindness. Volunteers around the world who help feed and care for those in need. Nothing is an insurmountable problem if you break it down into tiny drops.
In my own life I try to make myself step back from the overwhelming big picture, and break the problems down into drops. Some days it works better than others. There are times that the stress of day to day existence becomes more than I can handle, and I allow myself a breakdown, allow myself to step back from responsibility and reality for a little while. Even then I find my mind starts looking for the avenues of escape, the paths to change, or at least a skinny trail to assess the possibilities of digging myself out of the current dilemma enough to get my head above ground level. Some days all it takes is to go outside and water the plants. Other days it is a monumental effort. But even a small effort is better than despair, better than complacency, and far better than surrendering to what sometimes feels like the inevitable. Few things are inevitable. Small changes can realign the world.
One thing I do know, even if it is just a Drop in the Ocean, a million drops can be a flood. Be the Drop.
In this time of political and social unrest I often feel like my problems are small by comparison. A Drop in the Ocean. But since it is my life the problems loom with the barometric pressure of a thunderstorm. Stepping back and looking at the big picture though, it is easy to see how my problems are intertwined with the problems of the world. The global stresses press down on all of us, creating anxiety and insecurity. We fear where we are going, what our children and grandchildren will be facing if we can't manage to pull back from the brink of causing our own mass extinction.
Stepping back from the global picture, because again, each of us is a mere drop in the ocean if we look too large, there is nothing I can do at this moment to save a beached whale dying from a belly full of plastic. What I can do, on my very small scale is use less plastic, be responsible for my one little drop. I can't stop gun violence in Chicago, but I can practice peace and love in my little drop. I can't change the climate back to pre-industrial purity, but I can use less plastic, plant for pollinators and wildlife, use water sparingly, find alternatives to toxic products. be responsible for my little drop.
I see movements all around the globe of small groups doing one small thing. A grass roots company in Kenya that takes discarded flip-flops that wash up on the beach by the thousands and uses them to create beautiful animal sculptures. Surfers who have designed a machine that skims the ocean collecting garbage. Children who make dolls for other children who need that bit of kindness. Volunteers around the world who help feed and care for those in need. Nothing is an insurmountable problem if you break it down into tiny drops.
In my own life I try to make myself step back from the overwhelming big picture, and break the problems down into drops. Some days it works better than others. There are times that the stress of day to day existence becomes more than I can handle, and I allow myself a breakdown, allow myself to step back from responsibility and reality for a little while. Even then I find my mind starts looking for the avenues of escape, the paths to change, or at least a skinny trail to assess the possibilities of digging myself out of the current dilemma enough to get my head above ground level. Some days all it takes is to go outside and water the plants. Other days it is a monumental effort. But even a small effort is better than despair, better than complacency, and far better than surrendering to what sometimes feels like the inevitable. Few things are inevitable. Small changes can realign the world.
One thing I do know, even if it is just a Drop in the Ocean, a million drops can be a flood. Be the Drop.
Wednesday, February 14, 2018
Where To From Here?
There has been a feeling of impending change lurking over me for far too long. This past year I have tried several paths to change, but each was a dead end. I like to think that this is not failure, but merely a way to learn which path to not take in the future. I have also tried several paths that still have promise, but am not getting any feedback from the feelers I have put out. Now, with my birthday staring me in the face it seems as if the need for change is even more pressing.
I have changed jobs three times in the last 6 months, with another inevitable change looming. A definite record for me. I do not like job insecurity, but it seems as if it has been a way of life for me for the last decade or more. It's not a comfortable feeling. I keep finding myself forced into jobs strictly for financial reasons, no altruism or passion involved. I'm hating that. Now I find myself in a job that I like, but that is too unreliable as far as hours go, and is proving to be a bit too hard on my body. I love that it is physical, but apparently my aging infrastructure is less pleased. So, where to now?
Again, I am being forced to look at the practical: Money and benefits. I need to make a certain amount of money, that is a no-brainer. I also need to regain medical and dental insurance, something that I took for granted forever, until I lost it 3 years ago. It seems that every job that I know I would enjoy comes at low wages, part time, and no benefits. Again, where to now?
I want to go back to school. I can't really afford to, but the desire is strong. What would I study? Now there is the million dollar question. Plagued with the question, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" I know going to school just for the sake of learning would be awesome, but not practical. Figuring out a reason for an education is eluding me. I know what I like to do. I know that none of it would likely make me a decent living, and definitely wouldn't come with insurance or a retirement plan. So here I am, at a time when I should be thinking, "Gee, only 10 years to retirement." Instead, I am pondering ways to keep afloat, keep my creativity, and keep my soul. I'm too old for this shit.
Back to the schooling aspect. Instead of bemoaning no money for tuition, and no desire to rack up student loan debt, I am searching out online classes offered for free. Would it get me to a degree? No. But that has never been the actual goal. It's not a priority. Where it might, just might, get me is on a path to figuring out the aforementioned question, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" Of course, my scholastic leanings are more juvenile than intellectual. I find the older I get the more juvenile my tastes. I want to build things, repair things, make cool stuff out of junk. I want to repair bicycles, weld, fix motorcycles and lawnmowers. I want to get paint spattered, and greasy. Most people don't know it but 20+ years ago I looked into the program for Harley mechanics. I wanted to enroll so badly, but the nearest school was Phoenix, Arizona. With kids at home there was no way I could have relocated for 18 months. I don't know where any of this would take me, but there you have it. I want to be a greasemonkey.
Seriously though. I am formulating a plan. Yes, one that will require the grownup step of getting into the full time with benefits job. But maybe, just maybe, I can figure out how to somehow make it all work. There just isn't enough time in the day for me to do the things that need doing. I get so overwhelmed by all the things, that I do none of the things. I wish I had the financial security of a kid, so I really could focus on what I want to be when I grow up. But, unfortunately, I am the grownup, with the grownup responsibilities, as well as the kid at heart that just wants to know where I am going from here.
I have changed jobs three times in the last 6 months, with another inevitable change looming. A definite record for me. I do not like job insecurity, but it seems as if it has been a way of life for me for the last decade or more. It's not a comfortable feeling. I keep finding myself forced into jobs strictly for financial reasons, no altruism or passion involved. I'm hating that. Now I find myself in a job that I like, but that is too unreliable as far as hours go, and is proving to be a bit too hard on my body. I love that it is physical, but apparently my aging infrastructure is less pleased. So, where to now?
Again, I am being forced to look at the practical: Money and benefits. I need to make a certain amount of money, that is a no-brainer. I also need to regain medical and dental insurance, something that I took for granted forever, until I lost it 3 years ago. It seems that every job that I know I would enjoy comes at low wages, part time, and no benefits. Again, where to now?
I want to go back to school. I can't really afford to, but the desire is strong. What would I study? Now there is the million dollar question. Plagued with the question, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" I know going to school just for the sake of learning would be awesome, but not practical. Figuring out a reason for an education is eluding me. I know what I like to do. I know that none of it would likely make me a decent living, and definitely wouldn't come with insurance or a retirement plan. So here I am, at a time when I should be thinking, "Gee, only 10 years to retirement." Instead, I am pondering ways to keep afloat, keep my creativity, and keep my soul. I'm too old for this shit.
Back to the schooling aspect. Instead of bemoaning no money for tuition, and no desire to rack up student loan debt, I am searching out online classes offered for free. Would it get me to a degree? No. But that has never been the actual goal. It's not a priority. Where it might, just might, get me is on a path to figuring out the aforementioned question, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" Of course, my scholastic leanings are more juvenile than intellectual. I find the older I get the more juvenile my tastes. I want to build things, repair things, make cool stuff out of junk. I want to repair bicycles, weld, fix motorcycles and lawnmowers. I want to get paint spattered, and greasy. Most people don't know it but 20+ years ago I looked into the program for Harley mechanics. I wanted to enroll so badly, but the nearest school was Phoenix, Arizona. With kids at home there was no way I could have relocated for 18 months. I don't know where any of this would take me, but there you have it. I want to be a greasemonkey.
Seriously though. I am formulating a plan. Yes, one that will require the grownup step of getting into the full time with benefits job. But maybe, just maybe, I can figure out how to somehow make it all work. There just isn't enough time in the day for me to do the things that need doing. I get so overwhelmed by all the things, that I do none of the things. I wish I had the financial security of a kid, so I really could focus on what I want to be when I grow up. But, unfortunately, I am the grownup, with the grownup responsibilities, as well as the kid at heart that just wants to know where I am going from here.
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