Wednesday, January 29, 2014
It is that time of year again, when my demons start to stir from the dank caverns I have banished them to. I am struggling. The doubting whispers, mostly quiet for so long have returned. I've had a few tough blows lately that sent me reeling, and from which I haven't even begun to regain my footing. On the outside, all seems well, I am fit, strong, radiant even. Inside I feel as if there is a gaping hole, filled with cold ash, that is unresponsive, cold, silent. This is a first for me, this feeling of nothingness. So unlike me. So unlike the mercurial, tempestuous whirlwind that is my "normal." It feels awkward, alien, disturbing. It has been several weeks since I realized the nothingness was there, and I have been doing my best to analyze, dissect, and understand, but how can you dissect nothing? Oddly, I feel fine in most other regards. Oh sure, I am a tad weepy, oversensitive to sad songs, inclined to rehash recent events over and over in an attempt to make sense out of the senseless. But overall, Brain and Body are in fine fettle. Spirit seems to be hiding in the shadows of this latest, weirdest manifestation of melancholy, and I can't for the life of me figure out how to lure it from hiding. Skirting along the depths of this recent murk, I am tempted to attempt to regain control through pharmaceutical means, but I am reluctant. I know there are little pink pills waiting in an innocuous brown bottle that could take the harsh edges off of this melancholy, but I do not want to return to that path. I prefer to stay the course, doing all in my power to rectify and right the situation through what amounts to hard work, clean living, and pure thoughts. Yeah, sounds corny when I put it that way, doesn't it? But it is truth. I want, no, I need to repair this gaping blackhole that has taken up residence where my heart is supposed to be. It is not like me to feel nothing. Of course, there are a few people in the world that will always warm the coldest of cold, brighten the darkest of days. The Bean, my Bright Bean, the glowing child that I would sacrifice my soul for, he is the one that will always fill my heart with warmth, joy, love. He is a balm to my jangled nerves, the healing touch that makes the rest of the world fall away into irrelevance. But I can't be dependent on the warmth of another to banish the cold that has taken up residence inside my temple. I must find a way to rekindle the fire. I must find just a trace of glowing ember hiding beneath the cold, dark ash, and blow on it gently until it brightens and sparks back to life. Only I can cradle the glowing spark, nurse it back to a flame, and feed it dry tinder until it is once again a crackling blaze. But I have to find that dying ember, before it too goes dark and cold. Until then, I will keep Brain and Body trained, nourished, treasured. I will keep my temple strong until I can return flame to the candles on its altar.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
A tragedy has occurred. Not a headline grabbing, natural disaster. Not a nationwide flu epidemic. Nothing so vast and all-encompassing. But for me, a tragedy that seems to wrench at the very core of my being. I feel as if my heart has gone cold. My normal lead-with-my-heart, heart-on-my-sleeve nature has gone still, quiet, and cold. I don't know how else to explain it. I have told exactly one person, out of fear that people would either scoff, or draw away in disgust. Fortunately, the one I told has a natural empathy, and spiritual way of viewing the world. Her take was a little less horrific than the angst I have been feeling over this. "Emotionally unavailable," she said. It sounds so much more cultured and refined, and far less dreadful and dire. "Think of it as a drought, and that the rains will return." I hope to all the gods that this is true. It is nearly impossible for me to explain, if you haven't lived inside of my head and heart. Even those who know me well have only the slightest inkling of how deep and intense my emotions tend to run. I do nothing by halves, I always give it my all. Yes, this has set me up for more than a few knockout punches, leading with my heart as I do, but it is how I have always been. Have I become calloused? Was it one broken promise too many? I cannot define it, nor pinpoint the moment it occurred, I only know that when I should feel a warm rush, I have felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. My heart is silent, and my mind is a clinical as povidone scrub. I wept. Cried at the loss of a part of myself that was as tangible and vital as the rise and fall of my chest and the pulse of blood in my veins. I cried, and felt a dank darkness creep in that was unfamiliar, and not peopled with my usual demons. I do believe that "emotionally unavailable," may be contagious, and that I was infected after multiple encounters. I am hoping beyond hope that this is temporary, that my body will find a way to mend itself, that my heart will thaw and resume its madcap dash through life. I feel adrift, lost, confused, altered beyond recognition. It feels as if I have had a vital section of my psyche torn away and carelessly discarded. I try to reassure myself that maybe I am better off this way, that life will hurt far less, that I will be happier in a gray, listless way. For now, I will muddle through, keeping my body strong, while I wait for the return of that vital spark that makes me who I am. Until then, I will just have to pretend to be me, and hope no one notices that I am an android imposter.
Friday, January 3, 2014
It came about gradually. Snuck up on me, actually. The feeling of forgiveness. There are parts of my past that I thought would likely always inhabit a black, bitter place in my heart. That smudge on my karma, the bleak spot that is the root of bitterness and anger. That bleak little smear has somehow managed to shrivel up and blow away. It is gone. Yes, there are still the residual self-esteem issues, but those have their own place in my heart, and seem to get a jolt of fertilizer every now and then, so they keep managing to hang on and torment me. But those feelings are far different from the bitterness, hostility and anger that had been so much a part of me for so long that I was sure they would never leave. I am not even sure when they did finally drift away, it was so gradual, like the moment you realize that a nagging headache has stopped nagging. Normally I would analyze and over analyze this phenomena, but not this time. I think I shall just accept it for what it is, peace and quiet, serenity in my soul, tranquility. Maybe I worked so hard to try and force a healing, that when I finally relaxed, accepted it as part of who I am, that that was what was really needed to release the negativity and let it dissipate on the wind. Relax and let go. I'm not going to question it, just accept it. Relax, and let go.