Tuesday, January 21, 2014
A tragedy has occurred. Not a headline grabbing, natural disaster. Not a nationwide flu epidemic. Nothing so vast and all-encompassing. But for me, a tragedy that seems to wrench at the very core of my being. I feel as if my heart has gone cold. My normal lead-with-my-heart, heart-on-my-sleeve nature has gone still, quiet, and cold. I don't know how else to explain it. I have told exactly one person, out of fear that people would either scoff, or draw away in disgust. Fortunately, the one I told has a natural empathy, and spiritual way of viewing the world. Her take was a little less horrific than the angst I have been feeling over this. "Emotionally unavailable," she said. It sounds so much more cultured and refined, and far less dreadful and dire. "Think of it as a drought, and that the rains will return." I hope to all the gods that this is true. It is nearly impossible for me to explain, if you haven't lived inside of my head and heart. Even those who know me well have only the slightest inkling of how deep and intense my emotions tend to run. I do nothing by halves, I always give it my all. Yes, this has set me up for more than a few knockout punches, leading with my heart as I do, but it is how I have always been. Have I become calloused? Was it one broken promise too many? I cannot define it, nor pinpoint the moment it occurred, I only know that when I should feel a warm rush, I have felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. My heart is silent, and my mind is a clinical as povidone scrub. I wept. Cried at the loss of a part of myself that was as tangible and vital as the rise and fall of my chest and the pulse of blood in my veins. I cried, and felt a dank darkness creep in that was unfamiliar, and not peopled with my usual demons. I do believe that "emotionally unavailable," may be contagious, and that I was infected after multiple encounters. I am hoping beyond hope that this is temporary, that my body will find a way to mend itself, that my heart will thaw and resume its madcap dash through life. I feel adrift, lost, confused, altered beyond recognition. It feels as if I have had a vital section of my psyche torn away and carelessly discarded. I try to reassure myself that maybe I am better off this way, that life will hurt far less, that I will be happier in a gray, listless way. For now, I will muddle through, keeping my body strong, while I wait for the return of that vital spark that makes me who I am. Until then, I will just have to pretend to be me, and hope no one notices that I am an android imposter.