So much has happened in the last 6 weeks that I have neglected my writing for a few weeks. Not that I haven't thought of writing, actually sat down to write, typed out words time and time again. But then I have deleted them because of the stress, misery and negativity that was fueling every attempt. It has been a hard few weeks for me with most of my life in shambles, and me using all my strength to crawl up from the wreckage and managing to present a calm demeanor to the world. It hasn't been easy. When I'm alone the facade tends to crack and crumble, causing restless days, sleepless nights, mental and physical pain, and emotional anguish.
I'm sure you can see from the words already leaking onto the page my reasons for having deleted every blog written the last few weeks. Even when I attempt to move onward to positivity, the carnage of my personal life rears it's head to slather my words with the gore of battle. Yes, it was a hard fought battle, and one in which I imagine I was the victor. But really, in any battle with massive casualties is there really any winner? No. All participants lose. It was not a victory, so much as a triage. Triage to try and remove parts of me so damaged they cannot be salvaged. But there is the residual "Phantom Limb" pain. I know what I have lost, what is gone, missing, but the pain cannot be denied. The pain is oh so very real. And there is no effective means of numbing the pain, I can only try to ignore it.
But I digress into morose, stress, angst. Really, where I was going with this is that I do feel like I am gradually making my way back into the light. Getting myself on track. Pursuing personal goals that have been long sidelined, striving to make my life what I know it can be. I am facing a lot of hard work in the next year or two or ten, but I do not shy away from hard work. Through the long night I have managed to keep my Eyes on The Prize, as if it were the glowing nightlight at the end of a long, treacherous corridor. I am so close to my prize, a goal I have dreamed of for too many years. I know there are people out there who encouraged me, told me to not give up, but honestly I feel like it has been sheer tenacity that has finally led me this close to finally realizing a dream. Granted, there has been sacrifice, but every hard-won goal requires more than stamina, perseverence and planning, it also requires that pound of flesh. I have paid dearly over the years for dreams that were really only fantasies, so now to have a solid goal almost within my grasp is heady brew. A brew that is helping to rebuild my self-esteem and self-worth that were paid out in generous proportions with very little gain.
I feel like I am finally going to have the chance to replenish my coffers of personal energy and passions that have been so depleted these past few years. Depleted through my own reckless spending. I should know better, now do know better, and am striving to be more cautious with how and where I spend my energies and emotions. That isn't easy for someone with my Leap Before I Look nature. I tend to launch myself into my own ideas, plans, and schemes at a reckless, breakneck pace only to get yanked up by the short-hairs of reality. I like being able to get wildly excited, emotionally invested, and crazily ramped up over a plan/idea. The downside is the inevitable Crash and Burn of Real Life. But now, my focus can be on Me, My Life, My Plans, My Destiny. I can finally rush headlong towards dreams and goals with only my own personal limitations to be overcome. Like I said, it is a Heady Brew, this feeling of control over my own Destiny. A control that has been a long time coming, a hard won treasure, paid for with more than a pound of flesh. Yes, I expect it can and will be a difficult, lonely journey at times, but again, there is always a price to be paid.
I am coming into the Year of Me. Finally.