Some days I feel like finally just giving up, throwing in the towel, burying my head in the sand. This is one of those days. I search for the good, the optimistic, the joyful, a small glimmer of hope and bliss. I search so hard. It doesn't seem like it should be this difficult. For every little moment of triumph I get hit with a larger defeat. I am back to one step forward, two steps back. I am trying so hard to hang on, to keep moving forward. I know I will manage to make it through this latest shitstorm of random acts of fail, but right now, today, this week, it is everything I can do to not crawl into my shell and just wish the world away. Where is a massive meteor strike when you need one? I could handle that. It is the constant pecking away of my self-esteem, resources, livelihood, that wears me away like the waves lapping against stone. I reach out, trying to pull in revitalized energy, recoup lost resources, rebuild self-esteem. But it feels as if every attempt backfires. At each and every turn I am being faced with disappointment and mounting problems. I watch as my limited finances dwindle, sapped by unexpected emergency expenses. One step forward, two steps back. I am so tired. Today, weeping at my desk, feeling alone against the world, again, still. How I wish for a hand up, providence, a minor miracle. But I know it is not to be. I am alone, and so I alone must be the hand up. I am fresh out of miracles though, and my strength seems to be waning. Maybe I am just tired, so very tired.
Oddly, I started the day full of the optimism of Spring. And though the day was a rollercoaster of emotions, as they all too often are, it seemed I was heading for a decent ending. Then the hits came, and kept coming. one assault after another. And this has been the norm of late, I wake, cheerful and optimistic, manage to hold that close to my heart and shine my way through the day. Maybe I am just burning out the light too early in the day? The days are getting longer. Do I need to dim my radiance, hold on to a few rays to combat the inevitable darkness? But I am no more able to control the flow of energy from my spirit, than can the river slow the water. It just is what it is. My energy cannot be contained, cannot be slowed, but lately it feels as if I am a leaky vessel, and the energy is draining out at an every increasing rate. Am I sharing too much? Am I trying too hard to buoy too many other spirits, until I have been emptied like thirsty lips suckling at a canteen? It is so tiring. I feel empty, drained, dried up. By the end of the day I have nothing left to alleviate my own needs.
But there is the bliss of sleep. I will crawl into my bed, curl up on my side, cradling my pillow to my chest and seek rejuvenation through the healing power of sleep. Hopefully tomorrow, as today, I will wake optimistic and re-energized. My soul and spirit renewed by sleep. Will it be true if I wish it to be so? I fervently wish it so, with any shred of hope left in my dusty container, I really wish it to be so.
"And if tonight my soul may find her peace in sleep, and sink in good oblivion, and in the morning wake like a new opened flower, then I have been dipped again in god, and new created." D.H. Lawrence