Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Not Mania, Me
Last night, trying to dance myself into exhaustion, and not being very successful, I was feeling a bit unnerved by my recent and long lasting manic mode. Lying awake at 5am, after a brief but adequate 6 hours of sleep, I wondered, maybe this is not manic mode, but a return to the Me that was so very long ago? I remember days of boundless energy, enthusiasm for life, lusty thoughts, voracious appetites for all things physical and emotional, power coursing through my veins, an undimmed spirit, a fire in my belly. In truth that was 3 decades ago, yes I was younger, and have lived a lifetime since. But am I all that much different today than the young, vibrant woman I was then? Yes, older and wiser, but I have always been told I am an Old Soul. Yes, maybe a bit more jaded and aware of the dangers the world can hold. But Physically and Emotionally I feel I have turned back the hands of time. My body feels better and more capable now, than it did then. I am stronger, have better stamina in all things, and fuel my engine with healthy rocket fuel, not cheap sludge as I did then. And to add to the package, my skills, patience and understanding have multiplied exponentially over time. I am ten times the woman I was then. And I have rediscovered the fire that is Me. Reconnected with my zest, vigor, lust, power, eccentricity and electricity. I see it now, knowing what I know, as having shed so much of what was holding me down, forcing me to be grounded, tethered, bridled, caged. I have freed myself from the detritus of my past, broken my shackles, and shed that life as a snake sheds her skin. I can look back at the hollow, shriveled, cast off debris and see how it had dulled me, hindered me, made me itch and crave change. Now my scales gleam in the sun, sleek and smooth, begging to be touched. I flicker my tongue, tasting the fresh clean air that surrounds me. I understand that Manic Mode is not the exception, but the Rule. I want to charge through life, careening down the path, milking every minute from every day. I can't be held back, tied down, forced to change, or I will once again grow dulled and hindered. That is not who I am. I am The Whirlwind, The Maelstrom. I am a Force to be Reckoned With. I am Me. I am the Mania and the Mania is Me. I have reclaimed who I am, and I will not let it slip away again.