I know I am on a cusp, standing at a crossroads where every choice will lead me far from the life I have been living. Exhilaration and panic are my constant companions of late, as I know I am stepping ever further from the life I know. It is a time of change, metamorphosis, options, decisions. Mania has been propelling me forward at a reckless pace, I am almost in need of Melancholy to take the reins, slow my pace, and make me revert to some introjective inspection of motive, method and madness. But neither melancholy nor mania are at my beck and call, they come and go with the casual negligence of a cat. Instead, I will careen down whatever path presents itself as the most likely to not end in a dead end, or train wreck. I am sure no matter the chosen path it will be fraught with hairpin corners, mudslides, washed out bridges, and No Gas For Next 169 Miles signage.
A year ago, I felt myself at a similar crossroad, but then my options were more straightforward and obvious. I had personal goals set, and was stubbornly hellbent on achieving them, and I did despite the odds and opposition. Now though, my goals are more fantasy and dream world, more ephemeral, as solid as the mist lingering along a creek bed. I feel a driving need to pursue goals, but for the moment I have nothing so solid as the goals and dreams of my recent past. Yes, I have dreams galore and glorious. Fantasies running rampant, taunting me, tormenting me, titillating me. My imagination has been on an unending carnival ride replete with lights, bells, whistles and the smells of diesel exhaust and fresh corndogs. It is ridiculously fun, but yet in the end not as satisfying as a solid goal pursued and achieved.
Maybe it is my time to play? Time to rest on my laurels for a moment? Enjoy the fruits of my labors? My opportunity to set the wearying life goals aside for a time, and just play? Seek out fun, pleasure and playmates? Maybe I am finally at a vantage point in the road where I can see across an open field, lights of the carnival beckoning, sweet smell of cotton candy drifting on warm summer air. Time to step off the hard-packed path? Wander across the field, through verdant grass, riotous wildflowers, the hum of bees tickling my inner ear. Warm breeze caressing my skin, flirting with my unbound hair, tall grasses tickling the palms of my hands. I think I have earned the right to play, unencumbered, uninhibited, unabashed, uncontrolled, unapologetic. Time to play.