I cannot seem to shut down the wanderings and meanderings of my brain today. It is the sure sign that mania has retreated to the background somewhat, allowing Brain to resume control of Body, though Brain is still more than a bit A.D.D. and dysfunctional. Lately, I am inclined to berate myself for my lack of the more refined social skills, my inability to keep myself in check, my loss of my Internal Editor. I do, truly, often speak before I think, Leap before I Look. I have developed a frustrating honesty that I seem unable to control. I have been trying to understand myself, constantly questing for enlightenment and truth within myself. So, once again, I flay myself open and examine my motives, actions, reactions and interactions. Yes, this is a constant, ongoing flaying that seems as if it will never end. And once again, I dive into my sloppy inner-workings. Head first, eyes open, no goggles.
I lived in the shadow of deceit for over a decade. It is true. I heard glib lies, falsehood, alibis, embellished partial truths, elaborate plans. I tried to protect myself from them, hide from the reality, remain true to myself, but I was tainted by the dishonesty despite my best efforts. My trust was broken, my self esteem damaged, my loyalty shattered, I betrayed my own sense of honor. And so, here I am. Alone, but intact. I have recovered my self-esteem and honor, regained my trust, grown and matured, regained my moral footing. Interesting thing, it has brought me to a point in life where I seem to be incapable of deceit, dishonesty, and it also seems, tact and subtlety. I have not quite decided if this is all for the good. It is the swing of the pendulum. Yes, I am proud of my honesty, that I am trustworthy. But I am more than a little disconcerted at my inability to recapture my reserve. Most of my life I have been reserved, to the point of being painfully shy under the right, or wrong, circumstances. Yes, I can still feel the pressing shyness and temerity when confronted with overwhelming situations, such as crowds of strangers. But beyond that I feel as if I am careening out of control, ricocheting around the emotional landscape, causing mischief and mayhem wherever I alight. There is a strange hilarity and euphoria, I confess, but the aftermath is not so amusing. Try as I might, my honesty and openness have the upper-hand, and may very well keep it. It makes me feel off balance, distracted, demented, and more than a bit deranged. All my life I have tried to keep tight control over my actions, reactions and interactions, but the control is long gone now. The pendulum swing. I am beginning to accept this as the new norm, though I would not mind if the pendulum would swing back to centered.