I live my life in a strange Aloneness. Self inflicted, self induced, I am beginning to think. As much as I cry at the unfairness of loneliness, solitude and isolation, I am beginning to think that I am solely responsible for my condition. Subconscious, self-sabotaging behavior? I am still trying to figure it all out. As a rule, I do not fear being alone. And I really am rarely lonely. But then my Aloneness will step to the fore, stare me in the eye and remind me that I am, indeed, going to a home bereft of stimulating companionship. I am a great conversationalist, despite it all. My animals are all very used to my running monologues, enjoying the sound of my voice, adding their two cents worth, but really not quite up to par in the feedback department. Oddly, I find myself having similar conversations with my plants. Especially my newly planted grapes, and the recently transplanted roses, as I encourage them to take root, find their place in the world, be strong despite the winds of change. I have considered wearing a phone headset, just so anyone witnessing these elaborate conversations would assume I am talking to a human at the other end of the line, not a struggling Himrod White grapevine that merely stares back, mute and stubborn..
Mostly, I am content with my Aloneness. Mostly. But then there are the days when I come home too tired to carry the conversation, wishing for just a few encouraging words, a calming touch, a welcome home that does not include dog drool. Those are the days that find me being unerringly drawn to the darkness of my bedroom, and the comfort of wrapping myself around my pillow and crying silently in my despair. Even though I live alone, I weep silently, the only sound my ragged breathing. I am not one to make a loud fuss over grief, even if there is no one to hear. But I only allow a few moments of such self-pity. It can't be allowed to take a firm hold. So I will find my proverbial boot straps, give them a good solid yank, and leave the sanctuary of my cave-like room. Alone does not have to translate directly into Lonely. Mostly, I am content with my Aloneness. Mostly.
Do you find fortitude in solitude? You say that you self inflict your loneliness, how so? Do you intentionally push away those that love you? I hope this is not the case. I have been alone for many years, but I know there are people that would love to spend time with me. Knowing this, I still tend to put up walls to shut people out because I am afraid. Afraid of putting my heart out there, afraid of being hurt. I often wonder to myself if its right though. Should I punish and shun those who love me just because I am selfish and afraid? Or should I put my heart out there and let myself be loved, even if I may be hurt again?
ReplyDeleteMy solitude is my often my protection from rejection. Though I try to tear down walls, my very actions, my deeds, seem to make walls higher, stronger and insurmountable. I feel as if walls are built specifically to keep me out, my honesty and brashness. This is the crux, and this is where I wonder if I am self sabotaging, knowing that my nature will cause walls to be erected, therefore it will not be my walls, but those of another. Removing the blame of my loneliness from me. I am not afraid of heartbreak, pain is just pain, it does not hold power over me. I find the pain of loneliness to far surpass the hurt of heartbreak. And truthfully, pain can make me realize that I am truly alive.
Deleteand don't be afraid, you should put your heart out there, love is worth the risk. I promise to not hurt you.
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