Monday, May 7, 2012
Dredging Up The Past, Again
I am not inclined to write about specific events, preferring generalization and symbolism to share my day to day weirdness, meltdowns and triumphs. But this weekend I got an email. Definitely an unsolicited email from the ghost of my past that haunts me most, and cuts deepest. A ghost that cut me to the quick, left me ragged on the side of the road, and still asks for absolution. I know that there is a point when I must find forgiveness if I am ever to truly heal from the deepest betrayal, devastation, humiliation and anguish that has ever been inflicted on the very core of my being. I know that, and yet, I don't know if forgiveness is possible. How can you damage someone so deeply, and yet still believe that friendship and love are a possibility? I realize that I have something deep inside of me that is broken, damaged, torn asunder. I am beginning to think that this damage is visible to prospective friends as a tainted aura. That this pall that has been cast across my features is partially responsible for my failure in the social arena in which I now find myself struggling to find acceptance. Struggling and failing. I find that I seem to have set myself up for multiple rejections. Friends wonder why I crawl into my shell, hide from the world, head for the sanctuary that is my home and refuse to emerge until the necessity of a paying job forces me into reality. And still I risk myself, my self esteem, my heart. I don't know why. Every minor rejection is an echoing reminder of a cataclysmic failure, the opening of wounds so deep they may last through eternity, the devastation of hopes, dreams and expectations. I was left hopeless, heartbroken, wounded, damaged, and deranged. It was not pretty. It was agony. The email made me stop and reflect how I am trying so hard to put that past behind me, to forget, to wish it had never happened. I am striving to move forward, but am being held back by a bitter past, and an indescribable, black emotion that stifles my joy. I need to confront my own damaged soul, deal with my own fractured heart before I can move ahead and into a new life, whether that be alone or with a partner. I know that others can see the damage as clearly as if I wore it tattooed across my forehead. It is a blight upon my cheerful nature, a curse upon my giving character. I know if I can face this head on, pull it from within my very being, dissect it, analyze it, understand it, that I may be able to beat it. I am beginning to see it as if it were a cancer that must be removed in order to restore my spiritual health. And in this sense, it will leave a void, a part of me that is lost forever, my innocence lost. I think that this is the crux. The reason I cannot find it within myself to find forgiveness. My innocence was taken, abused, discarded. Whether intentional or not, that was the outcome. My innocence is lost to me. My trusting nature has been sullied, and may never return. This is the true tragedy. Innocence lost. My Innocence Lost. I want it back. I want it back, but I know I ask the impossible. Maybe, just maybe, I can at least heal my trust. Relearn to trust my heart, to bare my soul, to not be guided by the memory of a pain so deep as to be unforgettable. And so, this email from my tormenting ghost, though it did dredge up grief, pain, tears, mourning, anguish. it reminded me that I must not turn my back on my own heart. I must reach through the haze of grief and heartache to find my trust, to heal my soul, to regain myself. I can do this. I must do this. If I cannot, I will continue living a half-life, and that is not an acceptable path. I will shed my grief. I will find my trust. My soul will heal. I will open my heart. I must, this is not an option.