Sunday, May 6, 2012

The Price of Independence

    The aloneness of independence takes its toll. I pride myself in my strengths and ability to face life head on, alone, hiding fears, and moving forward despite the sibilant voices whispering in my ear that it is all too difficult. There are days when I want to pull the curtains tight, crawl into bed, burrow under my down comforter and sleep until the feelings of loneliness, despair and emotional exhaustion dissipate into the ether. But they never truly leave. They hover like vapors in my peripheral vision, reminding me constantly of their presence. I don't like admitting to myself that my independence comes with such a steep price. I know that I am often viewed as not wanting or needing any assistance, a partner, even a shoulder to cry on. I can even convince myself of such most of the time. But there are days when all I could wish for is another warm body present within the house, the sound of someone moving about in the other room, someone else to start the coffee in the morning. I think I would even be happy with a poltergeist, just to have that feeling that another sentient being inhabits my space. In the not so distance past I have allowed myself to be entrapped in a toxic relationship just so I would not be alone. Just so there would be one person in the world who would contact me daily. I weighed the situation and realized that my self esteem and self worth were far too valuable to spend in such a situation and so I broke free, despite the agony and desolation it caused. But now, alone, I could almost wish a return to what was at least a pretense of partnership, although I know I felt every bit as alone then as I do now. My life is never easy.
    Of course I know that this mood will pass. The darkness that threatens is always transitory. Even though it does lurk just around the corner, waiting a moment of weakness to pry its way into my brain. I know that my happiness does not hinge on the whims of others. My happiness is not tied to any other body but my own. I can take pride in my independence, even though I know it may drive away those that are intimidated by my strength, or those who have a need to be needed. I understand this. I have paid the price of the resolute loner. I have set my course. Someday, maybe, this will change. Someday, my strength and independence will be recognized as the beautiful thing that it is. I know this, I recognize it for what it is, but on days like this, it can be hard to convince myself.

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