Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Cat and Mouse?

    Is it better to say too much, than too little? Better to overwhelm with words, or risk misunderstandings. I just do not understand the human mind. Am I alone in the desire to let my feelings known and understood, instead of playing coy cat and mouse games? I have spent a lifetime trying to understand, keeping my mouth shut out of fear of saying too much, driving people away with bare faced honesty. Yes, I do understand that some things are best left unsaid, things that though true may be hurtful. But to be honest with emotions, thoughts, actions. That is where my naive, gullible nature does tend to lead me astray. I want, need to be honest with who I am. But in the past have had my nature referred to as "a full court press." I don't see it as such. Is honesty so intimidating and frightening? Does the threat of truth and disclosure intimidate? It shouldn't. Are we so jaded, far removed from honesty, that we are suspicious and threatened when confronted with bold truths? We should not be forced to read between the lines. We should not risk friendships over half-truths, unspoken desires, and fear of saying too much. I have released most of my fear, but still find myself wondering at the sagacity of full disclosure. Too often I feel the sudden panic of not having an unsend button, a rewind, a playground do-over. At times I even regret having fired my Internal Editor, who slapped a gag order on me whenever she saw bold truths bubbling up from within and getting perilously close to my lips.
    And so, I stride through my personal life, doing my best to be honest and yet not intimidating. I do think it is very possible that I have discovered a friend or two with whom I can be straightforward Me. I have spoken truths, blatant honesty, no-holds-barred Me, and then fearfully waited for the flinch, which doesn't come. Is it wrong that I am so astounded? Odd that I may be free from the drama of the cat and mouse games preferred the world over? I am hoping that my freedom is at hand. My emancipation. The release of my soul into the wild so it can soar uncensored. Truth is not frightening, unspoken truths though, can take on the same terror as the boogeyman. To not know is far worse than the knowing. I prefer to shine the light into the dark corners, revealing the truth as the harmless pile of toys that it is.

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