Tuesday, June 19, 2012

A+B=C? Or Not.

    I feel as if I have finally, though probably temporarily, hit middle ground. Mania has simmered down, allowing Brain to regain some control. Thankfully, Melancholy is nowhere to be seen, and does not seem to be lurking around any dark corners planning a surprise attack. So here I am, feeling what I imagine would be considered "normal" by most. Not surprisingly, I don't think I like it very well at all. Body feels good, though all too calm. Brain is managing some decently linear thought progressions without skittering all over hell and gone. I am managing to return to A+B=C instead of what has been a hilariously dyslexic viewpoint for a very long time.
    The upside is that I am able to manage some calm introspection that is not being wildly colored by emotion or Mania. I am able to think through a number of scenarios that have presented themselves to me in the last few weeks. Think calmly, rationally, logically. Put things into order and perspective. Make plans and schemes, write lists, observe, study. When Brain is calm, things fall into place a bit more easily. But when Body is calm, there isn't as much impetus to make it all happen. Ideally I will have a short period of "normal" when I can mentally line up an agenda for the next time Body goes on an adrenaline bender. The flaw in this plan is that when Body is pelting through life, it does not want to be forced or coerced into any specific chore. Preferring to leap into the project that is most appealing at that particular moment. If Brain forces Body to perform a task it is reluctant to do, Brain gets a similar outcome as trying to force a teenager to clean their room. Lots of energy expended, goofing off, random details done with meticulous perfection, but very little accomplished overall. I am still trying to concoct a method to get Brain and Body to work in harmony and synchronicity, but it is hit and miss. On the plus side, I do have so many irons in the fire that I can be assured that Body will find one of them appealing. But what I must do, have to do is get Brain and Body moving in the direction of major changes, of which there are many pending. I must, must, must move towards better financial stability and self-sufficiency. It is imperative. But Brain has ideas, schemes and plans growing, solidifying, gelling.
    There are dreams that border on fantasy, likely unrealistic and outlandish, but propelling me in some exciting directions. Brain may have finally regained some control, but Brain is also subject to emotions and the irrationality that can easily go hand in hand with my rampant tendencies. Burning emotion can be a remarkable fuel for thoughts, plans and dreams. It can stoke the fires to white heat, and rocket propulsion. Brain can handle emotion better than Body, using an amazing amount of tenacious logic to chart a course. But when Brain is looking away, distracted, Mouth and Body can make some startling admissions, truths revealed, unchecked by logic or rationale. Then Brain will have a near aneurysm, and move into panic mode, feeling the need to put out fires, make amends, back pedal, get back on an even keel. It is a very amusing dynamic to watch with impartiality, and would be even more amusing if I weren't at the heart of it all. But here I am, at times feeling like a passenger within my own Body and Brain, observing actions and reactions, seeing the drama from the inside, waiting for the train wrecks, amused at the fancy footwork employed to avoid said train wrecks. So much excitement within the confines of my physical shell. At times an Asylum on two legs, at others a vehicle for wondrous travel. I can honestly say, my life is never boring.

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