Wednesday, October 10, 2012
The First Forays
It seems to early in the season for me to be needing to dig into my vast stores of weapons already. But despite the lingering sunshine, or maybe because of it, I am feeling the first forays by the invaders already pecking away at my defenses. It was a beautiful morning, the sun barely cresting the hills, vibrant, radiant tangerine, the perfect orb, illuminating the eastern skyline. Low mist, laying thick over harvested fields. Flocks of geese rising en masse, quickly falling into formation as they drafted off each other in that mysteriously goosey way. Horses watching geese. Geese watching other geese. Birds on wires. Cows grazing. Pastoral peace. I tried to guide my mind to the zen of my drive. I could not. Demons, long somnolent, raised querulous voices. Quiet, yes. But insistent. Brain rose up against them, attempting to cajole them back into hibernation. But the voices ran in gibbering circles inside my skull. There is no reasoning with them. None. Reason and logic have no say in the matter. Finally, in an attempt to quell the noise, or at the very least, drown it out, I turn up the music. Loud, louder. Bone thumping bass. Even this fails to soothe the reawakened tormentors. I am hoping it is only fatigue, a long autumn with no down-time, too much to do and never quite enough sleep. I am hoping that I am merely exhausted. Even this is problematic as the best weapon in my arsenal is pushing my body beyond previous limits, finding new limits and surpassing them. Facing challenges and being triumphant. But I have had no down time for what seems like too long. I know I need to rest, but I cannot. Resting makes me feel lazy, slothful, indigent, unfocused. I revel in my physicality, rely on it as a haven for my fragile psyche. To take even a day or two away from my normal regiment makes me fearful that I will lose much of what I have fought to win. But I am so tired, worn thin, frail, fragile. I chose to think it is just for today, that I am just tired, just for today. Tomorrow, I will be rested, ready and back on track. Tomorrow. I just need to get through today.