Funny how I can feel It lurking just behind my eyelids. I know It is there, just as it knows exactly where to find me. Not only find me, but toy with me, taunt me, poke at my psyche. The underlying fragility is undeniable, I can feel the spiderweb cracks that lace across the surface. Hairline fractures only needing a gentle nudge to split asunder. The brittleness never truly leaves, It lives in Brain and Spirit, waiting, patiently. It is such a familiar entity that It is like one of the family, one of Us. Gabba gabba we accept you, we accept you, one of us. The fragility and brittleness, though potentially devastating, in truth makes me who I am. I accept this. One of us. But when I feel It lurking just out of sight, hovering over my shoulder, an unintelligible whisper in my ear so close I can feel the sound, I can't help but worry. It is there. It lies in wait.
It tried to rise to the surface just yesterday. It knows when I am tired and susceptible to It's machinations. As is often the case, although I am a full participant in these interactions, I am also able to step outside of my skull and act the casual observer. It is an interesting scenario, watching my own inner workings, my struggles, seeing the armor of my mind be strapped into place. Watch as I chose which weapon will be most effective for this particular bout. I can watch, with eerie detachment, as Brain and Spirit join forces with Body to keep the trinity whole and unmarked for yet another day, another struggle, another battle. This was just a flirtatious little visit from It, a testing of the waters, a gentle probing, a mere caress. But It was there, the detached Me looked It in the eye, and knew It for what It is: the Nemesis that has made Me who I am. Every super hero, every great warrior, has had the Nemesis, the Arch Villain, the Battle Royal, that made them who they are, let them be great, epic, historic. The key to such epic endeavors is to be the victor, last man standing, the triumphant. To withstand the assaults and survive despite the odds, or because of them.
So, as the fragility and brittleness lurk, as It flaunts It's existence, I gird my loins. I buckle armor into place, hone my weapons, fortify my position, prepare. I lay in wait. Hide in defilade. Set snares. String trip wires. I will not be taken down by It. Despite my fragility and brittleness, I will not crumble, I will not shatter. I will flex, bend, and fight back. I am stronger than It can imagine. I am far stronger than It. I know my Nemesis, understand It, know It's weaknesses even better than It knows mine.