Monday, October 8, 2012

Choices, Dreams, Coincidence

    Though the blue skies and sunshine belie the fact, the truth is that the dark days of winter are approaching at an ever increasing speed. Just this morning I noticed the sun had not crested the horizon as I headed off to work. I know it was there on friday, a gloriously radiant globe suspended just above the foothills. Today, it was not there, its presence only verified by a fiery glow. It is a nagging reminder that the dark and cold will soon crowd me, and nudge me towards possible Melancholy. Oddly, I am not dreading the Melancholy with  my usual soul dampening apprehension. Instead I am looking ahead with patience, acceptance, and the feeling of solid footing. Instead of seeing the winter months stretching ahead, full of cold evenings, lonely nights, grey days, feelings of hopelessness, I feel an optimism that is unusual for me at this time of year. I marvel at the sensation, and in my usual Poke-it-with-a-stick mentality I am wondering why the difference. I can chalk it up to a wide range of factors. Some of which I take full credit for, others that are happy coincidence, and some which are from choices made and dreams realized.
    Heading into winter in my own home, my sanctuary, my fortress from the world, has had a huge impact on my well being. True, the financial burden of home ownership can be a strain, but it is negligible  I would be paying to live somewhere, and here I have control over what I do. I am feeling a bit of pressure to get ready for winter, put aside some supplies, make a few changes to improve my comfort. I have played the grasshopper and not the ant this summer, playing away my weekends instead of keeping nose to the grindstone. I don't regret this fact, but now I am under the gun to get some major things accomplished before the weather turns against me. But it is good, I feel safe in my solid, little hacienda. This is a factor that I take full credit for, a choice made, dream realized, and by my own determined effort.
    I am working towards a few ideas to reignite my art. I must prepare myself to create, get my creative brain on track, envision, design, make images become reality. I need to get back on track to attempt to bolster my income with my own creations. I have a few irons in the fire, but need to start pushing ahead, now. This again, a choice to be made, dreams to be realized.
    The depths of winter will be my true step into the ranks of firefighters, a brotherhood, family, haven. Academy starts in January, and will keep me so busy that I will not have time to notice the grey skies and long nights. I will be learning, practicing, using my brain and body to extremes. I know this will propel me through to Spring, getting me through what has been traditionally my bleakest months. Again, a choice and dream realized.
    On a happy coincidence, a marvelously, deliriously, joyously, happy coincidence; The Bright Bean. My grandson. The beautiful, perfect little human that restores my soul with every meeting. To hold his warmth in my arms, bestow kisses on his brow, inhale the fragrance of vibrant, new life. His energy is so pure, so glowing, so bright. Every cell in my body loves this tiny man in a way both marvelous and overpowering. I never thought I could love another as much as I love my sons, and then along came Bean. Love truly is limitless, and expands exponentially. My heart swells to near breaking just at the thought of this next generation, a legacy to the love of my children. It is amazing, and makes all else pale by comparison.
    This year I head into winter feeling as if I have found a Safe Harbor. That I have someone at my back, comfort, protection from the world, a strong helping hand, a voice in the darkness, kindred spirit, a beautiful mind, a shoulder to lean on. I feel as if I have allies, true allies in my fight against the darkness. It is comforting, calming, and miraculous. This has been happy happenstance, but brought about by my own desires to reach out, make connections, find kinship, love. I have people I can turn to, if needed. This year has brought special people into my inner circle, connections that I have desperately needed, but been without, for too many years. I may be an Introverted Isolationist but that does not mean I can thrive lonely and alone. I need love and affection as a plant needs soil and water. I have found this, through choices, coincidence, dreams sought after and realized, karma stepping in and lending her hand. This is My Year, My Decade, My Millennia, My Life. I step forward into My Life, to live, love and thrive. This is My Time. Finally, My Time.

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