Friday, October 5, 2012

Return To Center

    My life has been a chaotic rollercoaster ride for so long I had nearly forgotten what it feels like to have solid ground beneath my feet. Admittedly, it is taking me a bit to get my land legs under me again, and every now and again vertigo takes a swipe at me. I have been riding a pendulum, from one extreme to another, on every level, in nearly every aspect of life. But my life is beginning to feel as if it is finally Returning to Center. Am I too optimistic? Am I jumping the gun, again? Seeing through rose colored glasses, as I am wont to do? Or could it be true that my life is finally starting to smooth out, fall in line, take solid form? It has been such a rocky ride, and I am sure I do not face clean, smooth pavement from here on out (but then, that would be predictable and boring). But for the moment, I am feeling an inner sense of calm that has eluded me for what seems an eternity. It may be fleeting, the gods know that with winter coming my finances will be stretched beyond their limits, and the rains will come, and the dark days. But it is quite possible that if I am shored up beforehand, feeling safe, on solid ground, that I can weather the looming winter with my chin up, a fiery glint in my eye, and my heart strong. It will be the first winter in many a long year that I am not looking ahead to long, dark, cold, lonely days. The first October that I don't feel the crushing weight of my Aloneness. The first time in a decade that I don't feel as if I am looking down a long, dark endless tunnel, feeling queasy and unsure of what lay in wait in the oily black depths. Yes, the tunnel is there, but there seems to be sunlight filtering in through breaches in the rock. In one hand is a powerful flashlight that will penetrate the gloom, in the other hand a smooth hardwood baton to fight off demons. I may not be quite as physically and financially prepared as I would like, but I am definitely mentally and emotionally prepared, at least today.
    It has been a rough ride. I have swung too long at the end of a long rope, waiting for the swinging to stop so I could get on with my life. One extreme to another, to another, to another. A life of extremes. Rarely calm. So now, as the swinging stops, the world slows, my life stabilizes, I feel the peace of finally being allowed to Return To Center.

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