I understand my own Lunacies. I go toe to toe, look them in the eye, stare them down, try to keep them in check. At the very least I have learned how to minimize damaging blow-back, protecting those around me when I go into meltdown. I think that what saves me from being clinically insane is the fact that I do understand my psyche, work to maintain it, and when it is spiraling out of control I roll with the punches until things simmer down. I do not repeat the same action over and over expecting a different result. I have learned that if one path does not work, find another path, and another, and another, until one leads me out of the darkness. I am often confronted by those who are every bit as dodgy as I am, if not more so, and are totally unaware of their insanities. How can this be? How can you move through life, sabotaging yourself, raining angst down upon those you profess to care about, spreading malaise, draining the life force from your surroundings, causing mayhem, and be totally unaware of cause and effect? I do not understand how a person can be so blind to their own psychosis. But there it is, people all around, blinders on, blundering through life, vitriolic, hostile, finger pointing, feeling blamed and blameless. These people refuse to accept any accountability for their actions, their effect, their anger, their mistakes, their own failings. Every day I am faced with it, surrounded by it. When I screw up, when I fail, I step up to the plate and admit it. I will look you in the eye and say, "Yeah, that was me. I did that." To fail, make mistakes, is how we learn. How we hopefully learn, anyway. I believe it is how we grow, change, adapt. It is what gives us depth.
My problem truly lies in the fact that since I understand my Lunacies, and since I am willing to face them, I want to help others understand and face their own inner crazy. I want to lead people to a better understanding of the reasons behind their actions, reactions, and to face down their demons. This leads me into trouble, since most are not even willing to acknowledge their culpability, much less admit to failings, and, god-forbid, deep rooted psychosis. Instead I face hostility, denial, anger. I need to stop trying to help those that do not want help. I am learning to disengage, walk away, separate myself from the issues of others. Their problems are not my problems. Their issues are not my issues to fix. And quite frankly, their crazy can exacerbate my own. My oft times fragile inner being cannot handle frontal assaults. I must disengage.
I am learning. For my own health and sanity, I am learning to remove myself, disengage, walk away. I have to even as it goes against my nature to want to lead people from the darkness into the light, away from the abyss, into peace. But I cannot make the journey for another, only for myself. And so I walk away. Disengage.