Sunday, October 28, 2012
Thoughts are so scrambled. I can't maintain any linear thought. Instead Brain bounces me around, taking me into places I really don't want to go, flirting with the edges of Melancholy, then yanking me back by the short hairs. Conflict reigns supreme at times like this. I become contrary in nearly every thought and action. Even I don't know where I will end up in the crap shoot of upheaval. I try to pull myself back into a semblance of rationale and logic. I remind myself of what I want, what I need, and what is right for me. I come back to this concept. A thought that originally coalesced late one night, in the dark silence, just as I was about to slip into sleep. It struck me, and echoed around inside of my skull with such clamor that I had to turn on the light and write the words, just so they would pipe down and leave me alone. What I want, what I need, what is right for me. It has become a mantra. A focus. A way to shepherd Brain, slow the thoughts, corral the chaos of Brain on a tear. I need such weapons to quell Brain at times like this, or it will spiral out of control, feeding on itself, a maelstrom. I can't allow that. Not Now. Brain is not easily quieted, not easily calmed. But I whisper the new mantra, it is more effective, more focused, than my previous mantra. The days are gone when all I could do was whisper to myself, "I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay." But when thoughts scramble, when Brain is like a runaway horse, stampeding across the countryside, it is all I can do to form any comprehensive thoughts, any at all. So I hold my rebellious head in my hands and ignore the yammerings, subdue the panic, quiet the voices, and try to remain focused on what I want, what I need, and what is right for me. But there are times when it is not enough. When nothing is enough. Times like these all I can do is ride it out, minimize damage and hope for the best. Hope for the best. Forget what I want. Forget even, what I need. And focus on what is right for me. And hope for the best. It is what is right for me.