Monday, February 25, 2013
Still tired. Exhausted, actually. It is well deserved, earned, hard won, a point of pride. I know that as long as I keep moving forward, charging ahead I will manage to keep my balance, skirting the edge of the cliff. People tell me to take it easy, slow down, relax once in a while. I try, really I do. But when I slow down, that is when sheer exhaustion, tinged with self-pity hits, and I become disheartened, feeling that I truly am doing too much, pushing too hard, reaching for too lofty of goals. I know this. So you see, I must keep the breakneck pace, the forward momentum. If I lose momentum it takes so much energy to regain the pace I need. This has become the ultimate endurance race for me, four months of pushing, pushing, pushing. I won't slow down, now that I have found my pace. I will keep moving forward, at times in a stupefied state, relying on sheer muscle memory to get me from one check point to the next. I keep fueling, rocket fuel only, no garbage. I try to get enough sleep, though it is usually in short supply. One case of skewed supply and demand, that is certain. So I am tired. But content with my accomplishments and achievements to this point. Without a doubt, I will have more moments of weeping fatigue, despondency, melancholy, it is inevitable. For the moment, I will enjoy my aching muscles, bruises, fogged brain, knowing it is all a badge of honor today. I worked damned hard this weekend, and made great strides, gained more confidence, stepped it up a notch, proved my mettle. I deserve this exhaustion.