Friday, February 22, 2013
Impending Shift? Impending Slip?
Along with the pending shift in my reality, as yet of unknown origin or outcome, I am feeling that shift in brain function that tends to signal an upcoming "episode." At this point, I am hoping it is merely fatigue making me feel brittle, and fragile as a wet tissue. This week I have brushed up against several tremors in the delicate balance that is me. Brushed up against, and managed to deflect. But each flirtation with chaos brings me ever closer to that moment when I will be unable to deflect the advances of the dark. I hope, and pray to the gods, that if I just keep moving forward, keep my eyes to the future, enjoy moments of the present, that I will survive the grayness relatively unscathed, unaccosted. If so, it will be a narrow escape. I do have life on my side this winter, a first in recent memory. I am surrounded by warmth, support, adventure, excitement, pleasure, accomplishments, and dreams being realized. It is a far cry from winters past, when I felt adrift and alone, struggling to stay afloat in the storm tossed winter seas. But still, I feel the hairs at the nape of my neck stir with prescience, a mumbling of fear, a grumbling of unease. If I can keep my demons at bay for just a few more months I will have emerged into spring, and sunlight, and glorious accomplishments. I have so much going on right now that keeps me excited and happy, but it is a breakneck pace. I am sure that is key to the unsettling tremors, the feeling of chaos breathing softly on my neck, that I am hurtling through life, never resting, lacking sleep, struggling to keep up. It is wearing me thin, draining my reserves, attacking my foundation. If I can just get some rest, maybe that is all it will take. Just a little rest. Sleep. I need sleep.