Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Absolute Lunatic

    I write, rewrite, edit, delete, flounder, struggle to corral the thought monkeys clambering over my grey matter with no concern for damage. Brain has been invaded by disarray, dishevelment, disorder, drunken monkeys. Control has been stolen, turned over to powers beyond my control. The screen in my head is a static filled test pattern, flickering and flashing on every channel. And yet this has been an easy winter for me, lunacy wise. Maybe it seems easy by comparison, I would be hard pressed to match last winter for sheer madness, ferocity, and darkness. Nonetheless, I have had more than a few rocky patches as I try to keep my head up and eyes towards the Spring sunlight. As always I look for triggers, reasons, indicators, stressers. I analyze and over-analyze my actions and reactions. I look to diet, exercise, meds, sleep or lack thereof. As I sit, forcing myself to sit erect and not slump over and burrow my face into my arms, I struggle to regain my strength and composure. I cradle my head in my hands, pressing fingers into skull, attempting to sort chaos into rational thought, and failing. As in the past, I blithely lay the blame on fatigue, but I know too well that it is far more visceral than lack of sleep. This goes too deep, penetrating into psyche. I do not keep my struggles a secret, they are dark enough without also forcing me to have to live a lie. Oh sure, I am not one to go about wringing my hands and wailing, or publicly raging against the world, or creeping about in widow's weeds lamenting the loss of my innocent naivety and sanity. I am inclined to keep the gory details of my internal morass close to my chest, to spare those around me from possible contagion.
    Today, demons play beer pong inside my skull, Body struggles against pain and impuissance, Brain flounders in the grip of pixilated enfeeblement. I have the constitution of a colicky horse, the stamina of a newborn lamb. I struggle, fight, endeavor to wrest control of Self from the throes of the demon frat party in my head, and the chronic ache that defies all and inhabits Body to the marrow. I wonder if the demon party in skull, the pain that fills Body from crown of head to tips of toenails, the inability for food to process without a paroxysm of anguish, and Brain's befuddlement are cause or effect, or cause and effect? If I find the one that is the root of the problem, will the other issues alleviate themselves? If I can find the one loose thread and pull, will it all unravel? But which is the culprit? Demons? Fatigue? Pain? Nausea? Lunacy? Are they interlinked? Are they all symptoms of one grand prank being played on me by the cosmos? Or just a whole shitbag full of individual bitches fomenting in a hypochondriac mind? I don't know. I don't know how to fight it. I don't know how to remedy it. I analyze and over-analyze but just come back to the whiny child inside that says, "I don't wanna play anymore." Suffice to say, today I feel like an absolute Lunatic. I am tired, hurting, weepy, withdrawn, introverted, self-flagellating, confused, confusing, contradictory, ragged, daft, demented, and drained. I feel like an absolute Lunatic. Yes, this is a Pity Party. My own Pity Party for One. I will rebound and recover. I will pull myself up by my proverbial bootstraps because that is what I do, time and time again. But g'damn, I feel like a fucking Lunatic today.

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