Monday, February 11, 2013
It Comes And Goes
The panic comes and goes, in little spurts. Sometimes out of nowhere. Sometimes it is triggered by what others may perceive as an inconsequential, and likely irrelevant statement or event. Tiny moments, trivial to others, panic inducing to me. Rational Mind reminds me that I have a very full plate, am working myself to exhaustion mentally, physically, and even emotionally. Rational Mind points out the stress of my job and my inability to escape it, coupled with what amounts to full time school, as well as training for a heavy racing schedule, and reminds me that I am over-doing it. Rational Mind tells me to take it easy, be gentle with myself, allow some down time, take naps. This is all good and well, but as Rational Mind is also keenly aware, I do not have time to take down time, or to nap. I am on the go from the moment my alarm goes off at 6:15 until my head hits the pillow at about 11pm. I currently get one weekend off every 3 weeks, and two evenings a week are spent at the station. I am not inclined to cut myself much slack, I don't have time for it. What this does is set me up for random fragility, which manifests in panic or weeping, or panic and weeping. At times I feel invincible. But more often than not, I feel delicate, unbalanced, fragile, tired, brittle, lunatic. I find myself falling back on my old excuse, "I am just tired," my catchall phrase when I didn't want to explain just how much the lunatic I was feeling. But these days, "I am just tired," is more truth than excuse. I know I am burning the candle at both ends and the middle, and instead of working to lighten my load I am adding to it almost daily. I am tired. I am fragile. Yet I am resilient, tough, substantial, tenacious. Let panic do its damnedest to knock me down, I will do my damnedest to hit back. Panic will come and go, it will go because I make it so. Tired and fragile, maybe. Tough and tenacious, definitely.