Oh the weirdness that is my life. Weird, wonderful, worrisome, wearying, wonky, whacked, and weirdweirdweird. Weird in the changes being wrought upon Brain, Body and Spirit by forces both internal and external. Brain has ceased to fire on all cylinders these days, leaving me spacey, tired, confused and at times feeling adrift inside my own skull. Brain struggles with daily duties; morning routine, getting out the door on time, remembering where I put keys, phone, swim cap. Days go by when it seems as if Brain must have stayed in bed, trusting Body and Spirit to be able to take the controls for a while and run on autopilot. The easiest excuse is "hormones." That does lay the blame at the feet of that sinister villain that has plagued my life from pre-puberty, through teen angst, pregnancy, adulthood, and now into menopause. Menopause, fuck, seriously? As if the ignominy of hitting my half century mark wasn't enough on my plate this particular year, now I get to feel the full brunt of the hormonal shitstorm of menopause. It is worse than the hormonal chaos of pregnancy. At least with pregnancy there is a time frame, a carefully measured date and time, as well as the a baby at the end of it for a grand Ta-Da. But now I get the nausea, cramps, aches, pains, fatigue, food aversions, mental shutdown, sleep disorders, general G.I. fucked up-ness, night sweats, hot flashes, and all with no limit, no schedule, no end in sight. Just random freaky shit that crops up sporadically, yet more frequently, mimics frightening medical issues, and seems to lay in wait for the least convenient moment to slap me upside the head with something annoying and uncomfortable.
I think the hardest part for me to cope with is the fatigue and spaciness. I have a full life, needing Body and Brain to be in the game at top performance levels, not lagging, flagging and dragging. Lassitude, lethargy, languor and listlessness are not a part of the game plan. There is too much to do and never enough time as it is. I cannot waste time wishing for more sleep, lounging in my favorite chair, searching for lost keys, taking a "rest day." A Rest Day? What the hell is that? There is no such thing. For me a day of Rest mostly means I can sleep a little later, have a cup of coffee and breakfast before getting dressed and starting in on the endless To-Do List that dominates my fridge door. There is no down time. Not really.
And how do I cope with my chronic lethargy? Body's languor? Brain's malaise? Spirit adds more to the plate. We take on more activities, more responsibilities. New endeavors, new adventures, new challenges. Am I insane? Well, yes, I have never denied that. But in this particular case, am I Insane?! By the gods, can't I slow down, take it easy, relax, rest? No, I can't. Not now. Not when there is so much to do. So many new, exciting avenues to tread. Adventures. Pleasures. Discoveries. Challenges. Races to Run. Places to go. Experiences to savor. Now is not the time for Rest, it is time for Life Redefined. My Life, re-imagined, renewed, revived, raucous, rowdy, reinvented, restored, rampant, relevant, real. Relevant and Real. My Life.
Now is not the time to sit on the sidelines, to be benched, to give a doctor's note. Now is the time to reach deep for that energy that will sustain me for this leg of the race. I have been told "don't leave anything on the course." Don't finish a race with energy to spare that could have been used on the course. So, despite Crashing Fatigue (the latest smack upside the head), chronic fatigue and mental short circuits I will keep pushing, adding challenges, upping the ante. Despite Brain's malfunctions and Body's lethargy, Spirit will keep pushing, playing and participating to the fullest. We know of no other way. Giving up is not an option. Quitting is not a part of my vernacular. Taking it easy is a foreign concept. Full speed ahead. Nothing by halves. Push ahead, break through the wall, catch a second or third wind, find my stride, and finish strong. We know of no other way.