Thursday, August 16, 2012

Logic Dictates... or Not

    Logic versus reality. Yes they should jive, mesh, intertwine. There should be a continuity, a reliable bond between the two. Aren't logic and reality solid, unshifting, part and parcel? Not in my world. I find that my reality can slip away from the grasp of logic and slide down the slippery slope of dysfunction at any given moment. "Logic dictates that..." Yeah, maybe, maybe not. I know that at times I can be as coolly logical as anyone I know, erudite, literate, calm, comprehensive sentences flowing like warm honey. At times logic flees, leaving me floundering in emotion, without an internal editor, and lacking the language skills to explain. I stammer, stutter, fall silent in an effort to gather my thoughts, close my eyes in an attempt to minimize input and stimulation. And still, my brain is awash in jumbled thoughts, scrambled emotions, tattered fragments of information. There are times when maintaining a cohesive conversation is nearly beyond my scope of reality. These are the days when I worry that my own scrambled thought process could be a danger. Riding hellbent for leather through morning traffic, telling myself to be alert, and "oh look, is that a Corvair?" Keeping Brain on track can be a monumental effort, only accomplished through a lifetime of practice. I manage the calm facade, the rational demeanor, but it is a hoax. Maybe this is one reason I prefer glasses over contacts? My dark rimmed glasses, that according to my sons make me look like a "punk rock librarian," give my eyes the mask of  an intellect, even when Brain is bouncing pell-mell through the landscape of my mind.
     It makes it all the worse that I can, and often am, coolly, rationally logical in the face of what should be great emotional duress. But this is when I have had the foresight to tuck emotions away into their protective cocoon where they cannot be harmed, or interfere. If I am caught off guard, blindsided, then Brain shoves logic to a dark corner and pulls out all the emotional stops. This can cause an alarming rush of emotions, adrenaline, incoherence, the floodgates strain under the pressure. It is all I can do to prevent a full blown flood from spilling forth, wreaking havoc, terrorizing witnesses, traumatizing myself and others. There are also times, many, many times, when logic has just failed to make an appearance. Sometimes for days on end, logic is M.I.A. Even as I try to understand, explain, quantify the muddlings of Brain, I know my words may make little sense to most. And absolutely no sense to some.
    There is an upside to all of this, seriously. I don't allow logic to dictate my emotions. I can be an open book, a warm rush of emotion. I wear my heart on my sleeve. The more emotionally involved, the more likely there will be the aforementioned spastic muddlings, but it is because I do not want to hold back, to restrain, to rein in. Though I know it will be confusing to observers, as often the mish-mash of emotions present in ways that may seem inappropriate, uncontrolled, and maybe even alarming. Yes, I cry like a baby. Yes, I will tremble with the power of emotional energy. Yes, I do try to keep a modicum of control. Logic dictates that I maintain a semblance of control. Brain knows the impact of my emotional maelstroms. Brain knows we must tend the fire, prevent it escaping with disastrous results. But fire is fire. And even the most logical agree that fire can consume and destroy, or be used to great end. Logic dictates.      

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