Monday, July 16, 2012

This, My New Reality

    I have really been putting some consideration into where I am now, today, in This Reality, compared to where I was one year ago, in what now seems like an entirely different existence, an altered reality, a skewed perception. I can go back and read my floundering, infantile blogs from last year and read between my own lines to see the aching loneliness, and yet the restraint of my writing as I endeavored to not expose too much of my own feelings of hurt, betrayal and pending loss. I can go back in time, via my own writings and feel as if at the time I was predicting my own future. Before I had any idea of the events that would unfold, I can see now that in my heart of hearts I knew it was coming with the inevitability of a sunrise. Did I set things into motion subconsciously? Or did I just see with my minds eye farther up the path on which I had set my feet?
    I do like to think that despite the breakdown that incurred, the denial, the failed attempts at fixing what could and should never be fixed, that I was the mistress of my own destiny. That I chose this path, knowing that I would walk through fire, be beaten to the ground over and over, fall deep into a dark abyss, fight demons, weep, rage, rant, despair, hate, fight, and yes, even fall prey to self flagellation far too many times. Go through all this and emerge triumphant. I chose this path several years ago, in fact, with a simple ultimatum. To myself more than anything. An ultimatum that if I did not like where I was, who I was with, where I was going, or not going, then I had to be the one to take steps to change my reality. No one else was going to do it for me. It was all on me. Me. Body, Brain, Spirit: My own Sacred Trinity that I knew I had to be faithful to above and beyond anything or anyone. I had to take steps to pull myself away from a path I had allowed myself to be led, a path of deceit, pain, humiliation, betrayal, degradation, and misguided love. But I knew that within each of us, and most important, within myself, was the Power to Change. The power to alter my own reality. To bend it, shape it, meld components, build my dreams with caring hands, hard work, blood, sweat and tears. An ocean of tears, a vast ocean. But I held the course. Despite the raging inferno that seared me to the bone, leaving raw nerve endings and vast tracts of scar tissue. Despite the painful trek through hellish landscapes, descending and ascending cliffs of sheer terror, at times feeling like the best thing would be to just lay down and give in to despair and abject misery, despite it all I survived. Not only survived, but came through with the energy and exhilaration of Baptismal by Fire.
     Now, today, in this, my new reality, I look around with a sense of awe at the changes I have wrought with my two hands. Changes that came about because I was willing to take that first deliberate step onto a path I knew would change me irrevocably for better or worse. There was no certain outcome. At times I did not think I would survive with my delicate psyche undamaged, I nearly shattered so many times I lost count. And I continued to make choices, taking deliberate steps towards dreams, choosing my destiny, finding new spirits along the way to walk beside me. Now, today, in this, My New Reality, the world is once again my playground, an open field of opportunity, exciting paths leading in so many directions, and all open to Me. And I know I can chose more than one path. I do not have to limit myself in this, My New Reality, to any one given path. I also know that the choice is mine, to move freely, unhindered by doubt or doubters. I feel like I have truly stepped into an entirely new, exciting, wondrous, glorious Reality.

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