Thursday, July 12, 2012

Never By Halves

    I was told, more than once, that I "never do anything by halves." It was not meant as a compliment at the time, but as a derisive criticism of my Full-Speed-Ahead Nature. No, I do not do important things by halves. Not if it is important to me, or to someone who is important to me. It is just how Brain, Body and Spirit function. I can no more contain it than any of the more exuberant aspects of my nature. It is who I am. Despite past criticisms, I honestly cherish this tendency of mine, though it may come across as alarming to some. And it has also driven people away, made them question my motives, express concern at the intensity of my actions. I would like to say that external forces make no difference, but that would not be true. External forces have often made me reel myself in, hide my desires and dreams behind a calm demeanor even when my insides are all ablaze with the excitement of Things To Come. I have practiced projecting calm, rational actions, hiding the real drive behind the actions. It is not that I am trying to deceive anyone, just trying with every fiber to not alarm those around me, those who may not understand the forces that drive me, compel me, propel me forward. Even so, people question my actions and motives. Question my decision making. So many think that I leap unknowingly into new endeavors, but that is not true. I often think things through meticulously, obsessively, often to the point of talking myself out of something because I can see all the potential for abject failure. But once the thinking is done I want to act upon it, now. Once a decision is made I do not like to languish. I know "to everything there is a season" but there are times when I feel a bit like a hothouse, forcing things to grow out of season because I want them NOW. No, this is not always the best way of approaching any change, plan, scheme, plot, but it is how I am. More often, I have a dream, a desire, a wish, and I begin to gather information, silently, swiftly, at times in a glut of fact finding, and then I let it all percolate in my gray matter, simmer on the back burner, coalesce, meld. Once the idea has had some time to gently wash around in my skull I begin to examine it more closely, skim off the froth, check the seasonings, see what may be missing. It is often a long, slow process as I wait for the ideas to come together, and at this point I know it cannot be forced. Once the idea has gelled into a solid plan, then comes the time to push, to force, to leap into action. This is the point when I feel action must be taken or I will explode in a gory mess of unspoken, unrealized, pent up momentum. It is an energy that must have an outlet, must be released or it will fester into an agonizing mass of nuclear strength desire needing the slightest weakness in my shell to splatter itself all across the countryside. Such explosions are epic, damaging, painful, and exhausting on every level. And so I have learned that once an idea is ripe, it must be harvested in some form because it will not merely fade into darkness.
    Yes, I have desires and dreams that have not come to fruition. Who doesn't? But these are either still simmering on the back burner, awaiting their opportunity to erupt onto the world. Or they are dreams that faded and dimmed as others came in to replace them, supplant them, when they refused to ripen, or were deemed too full of holes to hold up to reality. This happens. Often. I do have wild dreams that cavort about in my mind, dreams I know are merely that; dreams. The key is separating the dream from the pipe dream. Or taking the pipe dream, realizing its true potential and moving it up in the ranks. I have done this as well.
    So, when I was "accused" of never Doing Anything By Halves, I took it as a compliment, regardless of how it was intended. Doing anything by halves will get you nothing but mediocrity. In order to truly achieve a dream it must be pursued with every fiber, reached for with eager fingers, beckoned, enticed, grasped and held. It must be done with a whole heart, or what is the point? A dream, desire, passion is owed the respect of my full blown, head on, balls to the wall, damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead, Leap Before I Look energies. To be anything less would be a disservice to my dreams, my heart, and my Self. All or Nothing. Never By Halves.

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