Friday, July 13, 2012
Soft, Gooey Center
I do find it funny that even when I am feeling my strongest, toughest, and most resilient physically, I am still quite capable of crumbling like a sand sculpture beneath children's feet. I wish this weren't the case. Truly. I wish my inner workings were as impervious to pain and breakage as my exterior. But that is indeed why I work so hard to keep the exterior strong. Some have said I am obsessive, compulsive and neurotic about my workouts. They may be right. Some question the sanity of the way I am inclined to push myself to the point of exhaustion. They too, could be right. But what most don'tr realize is that I do it because it is the only part of me I seem capable of toughening, hardening, making impervious. Try as I might, I cannot seem to toughen my squishy interior. I was once told that "life would beat that out of me." I thought that was a crude, callous statement, though I almost wish it could be made to happen. Life does not beat the sensitivity out of me. If anything it is like one of those vicious looking, stainless steel, meat tenderizing hammers; the more it pounds on me, the more tender and fragile I become. Honestly, I do not begrudge my fragility, it is a large part of what makes me who I am. Yes, it may mean I come home, lay on my bed and weep silently into my pillow with alarming regularity, but then I get up, workout and make myself a healthy dinner. Obsessive, yes, Compulsive, yes. Neurotic, definitely. Bit if I were not the tender, caring, delicate, somewhat wimpy lunatic that I am I would also be less careful with the feelings and hearts of others. It makes me a nurturing, caring earth-mother. It makes me the compassionate friend, passionate lover, defender of the weak. It is a vital part of who I am. I cannot change it, despite my own desires to do so. I know I should not change it, for that would alter an essential aspect of Me. And so I will continue to toughen the shell so I can protect the delicate center. I will make my temple a fortress, to protect the gentle spirit within. My weakness is a power, a vital part of who I am. A indelible aspect of Me.