There are days, many days, when life is exhausting. I push myself to my limits, and beyond at times, and am unwilling to admit fatigue. I am inclined to perceive fatigue as a sign of failure on my part. A sign that I am not strong enough, stable enough, tough enough. That I am somehow letting myself down by admitting that, damn, I'm tired. I am trying to readjust my thinking. I don't let myself off the hook easily though. I don't like to admit to having human frailties. I have kept the old adage, "I will sleep when I'm dead," as a motto lurking behind much of how I drive myself through life. I have been told over and over, by so many friends, that I need to relax, take some down time. It is not something I do well. It seems that I expend more energy attempting to relax than I do keeping busy. My life has felt like an uphill battle of late and I'm feeling bruised and battered, though still retain all my limbs. I feel as if to relax is to let down my guard and open myself to further attack.
I know that a driving force behind my energy expenditure is a combination mild manic mode, and a constant attempt to keep my mind from delving too deeply into painful reminiscing. The reality is that though constant motion may help with the mania, it does little to resolve my painful past. I know this. I know that I need to let the Past be the Past. I tell myself this, and do quite well moving ahead into my bright future, for a time. Then some dark ghost from the past will rear its ectoplasmic head and slime my best intentions. I find myself embattled with a past I want to leave behind me. It is my nature to fight. It is my nature to stand up to injustice, to stand up against those who have caused me pain and injury. I want to lash out, strike back, stand up and protect myself, hand out a beat down. But the past is an ephemeral cobweb, the harder I fight against it, the more I struggle to escape, the more ensnared I am by its cloying, clinging web. I know this. But my nature makes me ignore my own advice.
I am slowly working my way towards acceptance of the past. Acceptance that I did indeed fight for what I believed was a right and true path, fought the good fight, and though I did not win what I had hoped, I won back my sense of self. I have to acknowledge that though not a victory, it was not a defeat. Sometimes the best we can hope for is a draw, and a tactical retreat. I need to step back and reassess the battle plan, regroup, tend to the wounded, and maybe wait for reinforcements. Despite my knowledge that fighting against my past is futile, what is Past is Past, I still need to rally the troops for future engagements, though I think some R&R might be in order to raise morale.