Thursday, April 5, 2012

Tested by The Gods?

"I have found both freedom and safety in my Madness; the freedom of loneliness and the safety from being understood, for those who understand us enslave something in us." Kahlil Gibran

    In my continual Search for Self, my convoluted path to Truth, my rocky road to Growth, I am not at all beneath seeking truths in the words of others. Though I disparage self-help books and their slick, commercialized gurus, I know that out amongst that chaff are grains of intelligence and wisdom to be found from sources less touted by media mega-giants. I have long felt that I travel my path alone, despite the naysaying of friends and family who all assure me that I am not alone. To be alone is not a travesty, it is not to be feared. We all face our own truths alone, and should be able to stand up to our own reality without the need for assistance. I have learned inner strength and independence from my alone-ness. Yes, it can be lonely. I admit to having spent many a night weeping into the darkness from sheer, desperate loneliness that threatened to envelope me in it's cold, lifeless embrace. And then, with the arrival of the new dawn, realizing that it was not loneliness that caused my nocturnal wailings, it was grief over feeling a loss of self. Grief at my own loss of identity. Feelings that I had betrayed my Self in my own blind fumblings to attach my own sense of Self to others. That I had allowed myself to rely on any outward acceptance, approval, attachment or affection in an attempt to feel whole. I now know that everything that I need to feel whole, to regain my sense of Self, lies within me. I have the unlimited power to assauge my loneliness, I don't need to seek outside assistance. The long nights spent in body wracking grief, silent weeping and chest restricting sobs have passed. Weeping has been replaced with introspection, loneliness with love of Self,

 "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest of Souls; the most massive Characters are seared with scars." Kahlil Gibran

    I have honestly felt that this last year or more has been a Trial by Fire. Partially self-inflicted, partially from allowing external forces to rule my life, but I accept all the responsibility. It would be easiest to point a rigid, accusing finger of blame at every variable that I allowed to exert insidious, malicious influence over my life. But that is the crux, I allowed it. I allowed the actions around me to be a factor in my ability to find my Sense of Self, Self-Acceptance. I accept responsibility for my actions. I also accept and embrace the scars that I have garnered during this trial by fire, they were honestly earned. Some scars are superficial and will disappear over time. Other scars are deep, to the bone, and have left a permanent mark on my psyche. This is not to say these deep scars are in anyway a negative factor. Quite the contrary, I am proud of these marks. I am proud to look into my Self, trace these scars with a light finger, and know that they have made me stronger and more resilent, but have not hindered my abilities to trust, love, and risk. Along with these scars, the Trial by Fire has taught me that risk, though terrifying, is also exhilirating and satisfying. Even when the risk ends up in a total, painful fall, the thrill of the risk itself is worth the effort. Maybe I have become a bit of a junkie, wanting to recapture the intensity of the gamut of emotions that tore through my body. The highest highs, the lowest lows, the hysterics, the mania, the soaring giddiness. It was an amazing, exciting, fulfilling ride. And at times I do miss the inner drama. I now know that I can risk everything, and it will not kill me or my spirit. I can bare my soul, offer my heart wholely, and despite what seems like abject failure, know that I made that Herculean effort, and be proud of my willingness to risk it all. Out of that suffering I have learned Love of Self, Respect of Self, Pride, Inner Strength, Strength of Spirit. I have learned that there is no shame in honesty and truth, pure love and passion. I have learned that naivete and gullibilty, trust and belief are not character flaws, but strengths that are essential to my Nature. I feel I have been rigorously tested by the gods and my mettle was not found wanting.

"The feelings we live through in love and loneliness are simply for us, what high tide and low tide are to the Sea." Kahlil Gibran

    Through it all I feel I have come out the victor. I have grown, changed, metamorphosized. I am not who I was, but I am who I am. I am more Me than I have ever been. It is a giddy, empowering realization, this feeling of coming into my own. I feel complete and whole, for the time being. But I will not be satisfied to bask in this glory of rebirth. For what is birth? It is the beginning of a new journey. A journey of risk and rebound, fear and fulfillment. A journey that is worth every single step.

"Beauty is not in the Face; Beauty is a Light in the Heart." Kahlil Gibran

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