My life seems to be in a constant state of confusion, no matter how I try to work things through. This last year has seen me rocket through the extreme gamut of emotions, be drug through the range of highs and lows. I have suffered major defeats and won some hard fought victories. And it continues on. Though, truth be told, things seem to be evening out a bit, there is less trauma and drama being inflicted on my psyche and self esteem, and I have regained much of my sense of self. I have found the Me that had seemed lost forever, the Me that had hidden away for decades, avoiding the light of day, remaining as a mere ghostly image on the eye of my mind. Regaining contact with that vital Me has made me vow to not lose her again. I won't let her sneak away, hiding herself to spare me the ramifications of her exuberant personality unleashed upon my world. I have suffered from her enthusiastic pursuit of dreams and desires, as she steamrolls over and though obstacles. But when she knows what she wants, she is not afraid to let her needs and wishes be know, sometimes forcefully, often with dire results.
Now I strive for balance. How can I allow my exuberant, enthusiastic Self the freedom to chase our dreams and desires, without inflicting irreparable damage? How can I allow free rein to my personality, and yet garner a semblance of control? I cannot allow my Self to ride roughshod over my cherished wishes, irregardless of how well intentioned she may be. And so the balancing act begins. I know what I want, I can see it and taste it, but how to get from point A to point B? How do I proceed? I need the strength and boldness of that Self that had lain dormant for so long. I need her joie de vivre, her je na sais quoi, her all out balls to the wall, steel cahones to give me spine and courage. Without her I can become timid, shy, nerveless. I will squelch my dreams as too unobtainable. She doesn't know the meaning of the words, "can't," "won't," and "impossible." I need that support, I need her motivation. But how do I find that balance between caution and carefree, slow and easy versus fast and furious? I know I must proceed with a modicum of caution, my psyche demands it. But I must allow the bold Me to keep the forward momentum. So, my cautious Self holds the wheel, my reckless Me fuels the engine? Bold energy as the powering force, wisdom as the guiding hand? I must find the balance. I must proceed with caution and care, but I must continue to proceed with a bold heart. There has got to be balance.