Unfettered. Unbridled. Uninhibited. The genie is out of the bottle. Pandora's Box has been opened. I had warned myself of the circumstances, knowing all too well what was likely to happen if I allowed my true nature to explode upon the world. I have an understanding of self that comes from far too much introjective introspection. I have known for years that were my true self to be allowed free rein I would be isolating myself from much of humanity. It was a self-fulfilling prophesy. And with it does come an ache of loneliness that I have begun to think is inevitable. But I have to be true to my nature. If I force myself into the role of placid, benign follower it causes a inexorable build up of pressures that will explode unexpectedly, alarmingly, and chaotically leaving damage in their wake. Granted, I am the one to suffer most from the damages I can wreak upon the unsuspecting. I am the one that feels the isolation of my nature.
So I turn the music louder, dance faster, work harder, write more, work the soil, all in an attempt to outrace the loneliness that seems to lurk about the edge of my peripheral vision. I know it is there, can feel its presence, but refuse to acknowledge it. To acknowledge it is to give it power. To make it a driving force behind my actions. I can't allow that. It is not to be tolerated. I won't let an insipid emotion like loneliness rob me of my vivacious energy and exhuberant zeal.
My nature does give ammunition to my demons that wake me in the night with their prodding and probing. They delight in reminding me repeatedly of past mistakes, past over-reactions, past explosions that led me rapidly into this long, cold winter. The demons whisper that if I had just managed to keep my true nature guarded and held tight, that my life would probably have taken a whole different path, an easier path. In the dark of the night it is hard to argue. It is a point I am all too aware of, and has been a weapon of my self-flagellation over the grimly long, dark months. But I fight against the despair. I know that I have chosen the path that is right for me, though it is a rocky, steep, narrow path. Doubts assail me at times as I climb, as I tear my hands scrabbling for a handhold, as I look over the edge of the precipice to either side of me, knowing that every stumble, every false step risks a plummet back into the abyss, as I cry into the darkness, and rage against the unfairness of my destiny. But it my true path, it is where I must go if I am going to be faithful to myself, my needs, my desires, my passions.
To fetter my nature would be nothing less than criminal. To rob myself of fire, passion, intensity, sensuality, energy, enthusiasm, the true depths of my feelings, to cut myself off from me, to keep myself hostage, hands and mouth duct taped to prevent me expressing deepest desires. If the fire is not allowed freedom, if it is kept confined, it will consume me from within, leaving a dry husk behind. To allow the fire free rein, to let my passion and intensity roll like thunder, to unleash the torrent of my sensuality and enthusiasm, to release the heat of my desires, to let my true nature out to laugh and play, it is as vital to me as the air I breathe.