Thursday, December 6, 2012


    My physical focus has been excellent as I head into the dark days of winter. But then I have always made an honest effort to have workout regimens solidly in place by late summer, so that they are such a habit that it is unlikely that I will fall off the wagon as Brain watches the shortening days with what amounts to abject dread. Body is humming along nicely. Brain, on the other hand, seems to have gone on holiday. I have been incredibly spacey, unable to mentally focus on any task, scatterbrained, loopy, inattentive, and flighty. I have bursts of energy and am able to power through necessary tasks, as long as they don't take longer than half an hour. I have projects left half finished. Even my writing is plagued by constant distractions... oh look, is that a Corvair? Halfway through a sentence Brain taps me on the shoulder to remind me that I need to pay the mortgage, then as I reach for the checkbook and bill.... sweet, it is a Corvair. There is many a moment when I feel I should just bow to the gods of A.D.D. and join the cult, but I know I can force the issue, rein myself in, hold Brain firmly by the scruff of the neck, or by the Medulla, as the case may be. I know I can, by sheer force of will, master my tendency to leap from topic to topic. I have never been quite sure if my A.D.D. is a side effect of being borderline bipolar, or if it is an entity unto itself. I do know that as I balance on the brink of the cold, winter abyss, my attention deficit kicks into high gear, derailing some of my efforts to accomplish anything other than physical feats. Fortunately Body stays on track with an intensity that can be alarming. Brain is on and off the track so much it might as well be an off-road vehicle with swamp buggy capabilities. 
    As I said, physical focus has been excellent, which has me in good stead as Firefighter Academy nears. But I need to be able to get Brain on board with this as well, since there will be much studying and memorizing to do. Memorizing is difficult for me in the best of times, torturous at times like this. I am lucky if I can remember my own damned phone number. There is also the alarming tendency to space out, Brain meandering aimlessly, unfocused, as we drive past freeway exits, or even (and yes, this did happen) drive past my own driveway. My own damned driveway! Seriously. Brain, what the hell are you thinking? Dear gods, at times like this I worry for anyone I come into contact with. And trying to remember appointments? Crikey, if it isn't written on the palm of my hand, it might as well just not have been made. Yes, I make lists. And lose them. I write directions down, then leave them at the computer. It really can be a struggle at times to present a normal facade with such internal ineptitude sabotaging my every effort to function in the real world. It does make me inclined to want to hide out in my home and do physical workouts until I am completely exhausted. This, at least, gives me an excuse for being unable to complete a task, or start one, for that matter.
    Body is moving ahead, guiding Brain to remain focused on fitness. Which is something, I guess. Body has become so intent on its objectives that Brain can't help but be drawn into the obsession. This is good, in the sense that it does make Brain have to focus somewhat. But I am scatterbrained, nonetheless. To the point of distraction and dysfunction... it was a red Corvair. Brain may be turning to mush, but Body is rock hard.

No comments:

Post a Comment