Changes do not come easy. Most are hard fought battles with Self. Some feel like hard fought battles against the world. I believe that the struggle to change is well worth the pain, suffering, bruising, deprivation, blood and tears. I know I am inclined to fixate, become OCD, to have such a narrow focus at times that the rest of the world blurs into unreality. It is how I am, how I do things, I know of no other way. The hardest part is to aim that focus instead of letting it aim me. I have gotten better over the years, especially this last year, as I shed many restraints that seemed to fetter me in inertia. Another difficulty is trying to split my focus, exert energy into several different objectives. I become so intent on one track that I eagerly throw vast amounts of energy at the current fixation, often to the neglect of even the day to day necessities. Again, it is how I am, how I do things. This has held me in good stead this year, I will say. I have achieved several things that had been lingering pipe dreams for so many years I felt as if they would always remain vapor, smoke, fantasy, unfulfilled dreams. Now, I can look at both past and future and see changes, growth, opportunity.
As fixated as I become, "never doing anything by halves," as I have been accused, it is an astonishing way to achieve goals. Yes, I may steamroll over anything in my path, oblivious at times to my own intensity. Yes, I may seem self-centered, self-absorbed, over the edge, engrossed, crazed. As channeled as I seem, it only intensifies as winter settles in, as if the darkness feeds my fascination, my preoccupation, my fixations. Some changes come with a heavy price, some with a steady payout, a mortgage of energy. Others see the change itself and do not consider what price I pay day to day, week after week. But as I said, changes do not come easy, I fight for them, pay my pound of flesh, struggle, weep, berate. Pain is a constant companion, a quietly nagging friend, there to remind me of what I owe, and what I willingly pay out. Interesting to stop and ponder just what I am willing to spend of me, myself. But it is repaid. No, not exactly repaid, it is more like dividends earned, an exchange of goods and services, sweat equity.
As winter looms I am hopeful that this year, being cognizant of what I need to do, where I need to go, current changes that must be maintained, future changes that must happen, that I might be able to divide my attentions, split my focus. I need to learn to steer my fixation, guide it for precision strikes, aim it for maximum payoff. Being aware, being self-aware, allows me to have some measure of control over the rudder, despite which way the gale force wind blows. I will, must, channel my fixation. There is too much to be done with life to allow my nature to run away with me.