I have written endlessly about my obsessive need to self-analyze, self-flagellate, dissect my psyche in full view of the public. Many would, and do, say it is not healthy to be quite so self-critical. Mebbe Yes. Mebbe No. It does give me a better than average self-awareness. I understand myself, my actions, reactions, and even my insanities. I understand them even if there are times when I feel powerless to do anything about it. But I am Self-Aware. I have begun to realize, rather late in life, that Self-Awareness seems even less common than common sense, though one would think that to be impossible. So many go through their lives acting and reacting to events that transpire, with little or no understanding of why they do what they do. And worse yet, they do not care. Most people are very content with their blithe reactions. Along with a lack of awareness comes the strange skill of being able to see all the flaws in others, as well as projecting their own shortcomings. It is the Great Denial. As flawed as each of us can be, few are willing to see, understand and accept or change their flaws.
Of course I know I am flawed. Flawed. Cracked. Scarred. Lunatic. Manic. Spastic. I know most of my shortcomings and embrace them as part of the creature that is me. True, some flaws need attention. Some need medication. But most meld together to make me the unique individual that I am. I am Self-Aware. I have scrutinized my psyche through a magnifying glass, a jeweler's loupe, an electron microscope. I know me. And love me none the less. But I am all too often confronted by those who's self view is myopic at best, blind more likely. They act and react without any understanding of the cause or effect. I have been blamed, accused, ridiculed by those who would see my flaws and project their own. I bite my tongue, knowing the futility of reason, or, god forbid, retaliation with truths and analysis. No one wants to hear me opine their causal connections between act and react. No matter if I be right or wrong, though especially if I am right. I have a decent understanding of base psychology, I can see the hurt child behind the grown up temper. But no one wants to think they are at fault in any way. And so I often accept the blame, withstand the assault, excuse the behaviors.
My wish? To find the rare individual that sees my flaws as I do, part of the complication that is me, without rebuke. Someone who is Self-Aware to understand and accept their own perfect imperfections. We are all imperfect. I have said this time and time again, Perfectly Imperfect. To find another that truly understands this. It is easy for others to allow me to accept them for who they are, but to have the tables turned? To meet one who can see me through understanding, accepting, Self-Aware eyes.