Friday, September 21, 2012
The grey skies roll in and I feel their oppression. My heart becomes heavy, Melancholy threatens. I feel alone. Melancholy is like a deserted island in a sea of people. I am trapped on the island, thirsty, all around is water that I cannot drink of. My Strange Aloneness returns, and it seems there is little I can do to change the course of events. I stay busy, working myself into exhaustion. I forge ahead, maintaining my level of activity, setting up events to force me out into the public, out amongst friendly folk, out into the sea of people where I can either sink or swim. I flounder about, gasping for air, choking on salty water, trying to stay afloat. I do not concern myself with making headway, just in keeping my head above water. The Aloneness traps me, assaults my confidence, saps my energy, drains my spirit. True, I am comfortable with being alone, I am good at being alone, I have had years of practice. But it is the loneliness that creeps into my heart that I have little defense against. Weeks alone, missing a warm touch, contact, a corresponding puzzle piece. Far away, but not gone, just away. But loneliness has seeped into my soul. I know I can make it pass, force it into a dark corner of my heart, I have years of practice. I know it is just for the moment, the loneliness will come to an end, I am not truly alone, just lonely.