Sunday, September 2, 2012
Fragility of psyche. It has been the bane of my existence, my Achilles's Heel. Tough exterior, delicate interior. Days pass when I feel invincible, powerful, in control. During such days I hope, in vain, that I have finally managed to reach a level of internal fortitude that will carry me though all the rest of my days. But I know it is not the truth. The truth is, those days are more the exception than the rule. The feeling of emotional invincibility is fleeting at best. Truth be told though, it is so much a part of who I am that I don't know if I would be remotely the same person without my delicate, fragile nature. My tough exterior should not harbor a tough interior. I feel that if that were the case I would be cold, distant, uncaring, jaded, detached. Honestly, with what life has thrown at me over the last years, I would be fully justified to have become the crass, cold, damaged shell of myself. I would be fully justified to see the world through skeptical eyes and closed heart. But that is not who I am. My heart is an open book, open and tender. My heart feels emotions on a grand and epic scale, often to my own chagrin and dismay. I wish I could protect myself, wrap my heart in armor, make it bullet-proof, a Kevlar Heart. That would be so much less painful. So much easier. It would make maneuvering through life simple, painless, bland, cold, and bitter. I choose to allow myself the luxury of tears, the warmth of joy, the giddiness of elation, the heat of passion. But I pay a heavy price. I pay the price of dark days, sleepless nights, tear stained pillow. My Aloneness, as I hide from the world, sheltering myself during fragile moments. My Life Unhinged. I feel the need for a rock, stability, safe harbor, but it is always kept from me. I feel kept apart from all that makes life easy for others. I strive to maintain my footing, to not crumble before the onslaught, to keep mind and body strong, powerful, protective. Yes, we shelter fragile Psyche as best we can, but some things just have to be felt to be understood. And so it is, my Life. My Path. My Destiny. To feel deeply, to lead with my heart, to take it on the chin. It is who I am. I cry. I laugh. I love. It is who I am. But it hurts.