Self Destruction

    I have known for many years that I have a fear of success. That I will work hard towards a goal, but give up too soon out of frustration, impatience and sense of abject failure. I have begun to see how often it is self-sabatoging behavior. An underlying fear of success, or expectation of failure. I am not sure which. The fear of success may be rooted in an abject fear and expectaion of failure, and so I make a choice to remove myself from a task, situation, relationship before I am rejected and sent packing. By making the choice to fail, at least I manage to avoid the devastation of rejection. But I still feel that sense of failure and rejection deep in my very core, whether self-imposed or otherwise.
    For the first time in my life, I chose to pursue a goal, and not stop until I accomplished it. The result: Success. I managed, despite having the odds stacked against me, to buy a small home. It was a long, arduous, stressful struggle. So many times I was sure that I would fail. Several times I nearly gave up out of sheer exhaustion and anxiety. But I knew this would likely be my last chance, possibly forever, so I continued to persevere. The victory was sweet and powerful, though somewhat tempered by not having anyone to really share my first honest triumph with. But it showed me that I can succeed, that I am not doomed to fail just as I see the goal reaching my fingertips.
    Strengthened by this lone victory, I am fortifying myself for another ongoing battle. I am striving to regain what I had allowed myself to lose, through my own insecurities and expectation of rejection and failure. I have found this struggle to be far more stressful, arduous, and anxiety-inducing. But the outcome is far more vital to my well being than a roof over my head, than material possessions, than a sense of physical security. I will not allow myself to give in to the constant shiver of dread that has been such a constant companion that I find I can smell my own fear. But despite these fears, the terror of absolute loss, the potential for crushing defeat, the adrenaline inducing anxiety attacks, I have resolved that I will not quit this fight. I will not allow a fear of success, or a fear of failure, to decide my actions. I will continue to pursue what I know to be right and good. I will draw upon all my inner strength to rise above my fears, and fight my own panic to regain what I allowed to slip through my fingers. It is the hardest battle I have ever fought, especially within myself.