The last few weeks have been an interesting rollercoaster that is a culmination of a year of near-insurmountable stress. By "interesting" I really mean frightenig, shocking, stressful and adrenaline-laden. Self-inflicted, self-induced. I have been in a constant state of "Fight or Flight" with no visible, physical foe with which to react appropriately to. Fight or Flight? I chose Fight. It is more direct, though riskier than flight. To be in a stand up knuckle duster would be much preferred to fighting what seems an elusive, invisible and yet dangerous foe. I wish I could flee from the situations presenting themselves in rapid and dramatic succession, but that is not an option. It is not an option because I am faced with too much worth fighting for. It would be so much easier and safer to just call a tactical retreat, find a bunker and hole up and wait for reinforcements. The main problem with the safe scenario is that there are no reinforcements on the horizon. So, it is me, fighting to maintain, regain or realize what I want, need, and desire.
Battle fatigue is taking it's toll, and I'm feeling shell-shocked and brittle. Nights suddenly interupted by panicked thoughts, strategies, recent battles, pending battles. I will start awake and my mind leaps immediately into action, fueled by night phantoms taunting me in the darkness. Days are filled with unexpected and frequent adrenaline surges causing my mouth to go dry, hands to shake and sweat, heart to pound in my chest with such force it feels as if it will erupt through my sternum, my whole body will tremble, I flash hot and cold, my vision becomes tinged with the red of battle readiness. My appetite has waned to nearly non-existant. I have to force myself to eat small meals that sit like gravel in my stomach. But I know I need to maintain my strength for whatever impending action my body senses is near to hand.
This would be fine if I was in a war zone. Maybe I am. Maybe my body realizes what my mind will not admit: that I am in a fight for all that is truely important to me. A battle that I do not want to lose. A battle I cannot lose.