Lying awake at 2am and staring at the insides of my eyelids (as has been my standard operating procedure of late), my brain was rolling around the many revelations, expectations, tribulations, and disappointments that have presented themselves to me these first weeks of the New Year. I have been in a prolonged state of high agitation recently, far beyond anything I have endured before, it has been relentless and seemingly endless. As if I am living in a war zone; shell-shocked and desperate, panicked and adrenaline fueled. But despite, or because of, this anxiety and stress, I have been trying to do a major overhaul of my outlook, understandings, expectations, tactics and motivations. It has not been easy. Far from it. But I press ahead, trying to break through to the other side. It has felt like a trial by fire.
So, last night, in my late night self-therapy session, as I wondered where I was leading myself, what I was doing to myself, how my actions and reactions were tearing me down inside and out, I swear I heard a voice. It was a clear whisper, a shiver in my mind. It softly said, "There comes a time to put aside childish things." Just that. It sent my mind down a whole new path. A path of further revelations, for good or ill. I will never lose my child-like joy for play, rough-housing, climbing trees, looking at bugs, catching snakes, skipping stones, the wind in my face at 80 mph. I will not lose the child-like wonder at a spider web outlined in dew, spring flowers, bees buzzing in an apple tree, new puppies, a purring cat. I will not grow old, my heart is as young as ever. But I think the voice was speaking of a new level of spiritual maturity. Acknowledging to myself that I am at a crossroads in my life where I must re-prioritize. A time when I must, for my own sanity and security, chose to focus my energies on my own life, self, and surroundings. I need to fully acknowledge the coming years when I must look to myself to secure my health, happiness and security. I believe the voice was reminding me of what is important now, right now, and for my future.
Yes, there is always time for play, and always should be. But there are times when work, home and hearth must take presidence. Play will always be available, but there are times in one's life when one has to buckle down to a few seasons of hard, diligent work in order to make future years easier, more comfortable, safer, saner, and secure. I have known this, logically, but not really absorbed it spiritually. I have been focusing on losses that have seemed tragically overwhelming, instead of pouring my emotional and physical energies into the solid and substantial reality of my new life. Instead of seeing the loss, I have to see the success. Instead of fighting an uphill, high casualty battle I need to retreat into my bunker-like home and let the tides of war beat themselves against my foundations until I can open my door to see either carnage to be swept away leaving peace behind, or a strong ally shining in the morning sun. Either way, I will be the Victor.
Really, what is a victory in what seems to be the endless battle that is my life? A Victory is surviving to fight another day. A Victory is having peace in my heart knowing that I am fighting the good fight, despite the chaos that flows around me. A Victory is approaching a wall of flames, a trial by fire and not backing away in fear of the potential damage and pain. A Victory means that I can Break on Through to the other side; charred, scorched with hair smoking and ash in my mouth. But to Break on Through, and remain whole of Spirit. That is a Victory.