Saturday, February 25, 2012

Eye of the Storm?

    I have felt preternaturally calm the last 12 hours or so. This did come after a tumultuous explosion of emotion, angst and hard physical activity in an attempt to burn down the manic energies coursing through my system. Exhausted, I climbed into my bed early, in an attempt to calm myself with the coccoon-like feeling of my warm down comforter. For a while it had the affect of a mother's hug, letting me pour out pent up tears and pain. Then, again like a caring hug, it led me to a place of calm, thought provoking clarity. I lay for hours, staring into the dark, letting my mind roam in and out of the events that make up my world. When calm, my mind stops running in pointless circles like a hyper hamster on a wheel, and instead will pause for breath and then begin a linear path.
    The paths I can travel when calm may not always run straight and true, but they do lead me forward and into a new understanding of self. I am striving to learn of myself enough that I can become proactive, instead of reactive. I want to have at least an idea of what is coming up the road to meet me, instead of feeling like I am in a Funhouse waiting to be startled by the next grubby apparition to spring out of nowhere in a pointless, heart pounding act. I want to be prepared for the next event, not startled by it. I am exhausted from living in a constant state of expectation, waiting the next attack on my psyche. I am trying to step away from the shellshock, and battle fatigue that makes me jumpy and over-reactive. I need my mind to be my bunker, where I can view the world, see what approaches, decide friend or foe, and make decisions accordingly.
    I feel as if I have made a major stride towards the proactive. I have reached a state of calm and clarity that has eluded me for far too long. In this clarity I can see far afield, understand my place in the cosmos, take charge of what I can, and release myself from responsibilty for what I cannot control. I am hoping that this calm, this clarity, this stillness in my soul is the aftermath of the recent storms, and not, instead, the deceptive Eye of the Storm.

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