Tuesday, February 7, 2012

My Fluid Nature

    The last year or two have been a strange journey of self examination, trials and tribulations that have kept my mind and personality in a bizarre flux. I feel as if different aspects of my personality have raised their shaggy heads, and each taken charge of my life for periods of time. Wildly different aspects, each trying their best to control a wildly stressful series of events. Each trying their best to protect me and help me survive it all at least partially intact.
    The upside of this has been that it has allowed me to experience and understand these different aspects in ways that I never would have if my life had been easy or predictable. It has led me down false paths as I felt that the current aspect was the dominant, "True" aspect of Me, and tried to force that to be the Truth. The real downside is that it has alienated those closest to me as they were forced to deal with these different aspects in full force, instead of tempered by the other, gentler aspects of Me.
    One prime example. I have always been a Tomboy. Alway have, always will. But in the past it hasn't prevented the feminine side of Me to raise her head, come out and play, and revel in being female. The feminine aspect is fragile, vulnerable, emotional, tender. Aspects that the Tomboy (and even rougher aspects) manages to keep tucked away where they are safe from harm. The Feminine side is the side most easily hurt. The fragile China doll, in delicate clothes that cannot withstand rough handling. Therefore, she has been stored away, hidden from the harsh realities of life, for so long that even her existance has been called into doubt. But she does exist, despite Tomboy denying her very existence. Tomboy just tries so very hard to be protective, tough, resilent, and a little grubby.
    But in the ongoing Search for Self, I am trying to reach into every corner of my nature, find the hidden aspects and allow them to blossom as they need to if I am ever to reach a state of Peace and Harmony within my own skin. So many aspects have been hidden away for so long. They are the fragile, vulnerable aspects. The parts of me that are easily hurt, offended, damaged. I do not think I can blame myself for sheltering them, protectiing them, during this latest, difficult phase of my life. But I am trying to transition into a fully functional Being, with all my aspects united and working together to make me happy to live within my own skin.
    For that is the crux; when I submerge vital aspects of myself, I stop being comfortable in my own skin. I resent myself for the self-censorship, no matter how life-saving it may be at times. By denying any aspect, I do an injustice to them all. I want to embrace all of me; Maiden, Mother, Warrior, Siren, Vixen, Tomboy. It is a Wild mix. A bit of an unpredictable mix. But that does not make it an undesireable mix. Quite the contrary, it makes it an intriguing, erotic, delightful, domestic, calm, peaceful, exciting, fiery mix. The Real Me. The Me that is fighting valiantly to emerge from the Chaos.

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