A few weeks ago I got to learn, first hand, the meaning of the word "Thunderstruck." Being hit with an unquestionable realization that shatters the current beliefs, theories and understanding of my perceived reality. It almost dropped me to my knees with a brutality that would have been less painful, and less unexpected than actually being struck by lightening, I think. It left me literally shaking, barely functioning, and desperate. It sent me deeper down the spiral of pain and hysteria. Down an abyss darker, deeper, and seemingly inescapable. Into a bleak, hopeless despair that felt unending, and actually well-deserved. It felt as if every poor choice, every obstinate moment, every pain ever inflicted on another, was suddenly being returned to me tenfold. That is the way of negativity, what you put out there will come back as a Reckoning. This was my time of Reckoning. My time for deep regrets, abysmal failure, panic, fear, abandonment, deepest despair. It was truely unbearable. Truely unbearable.
I am only a few days away from the abyss at its very worst. It is still close enough that I can feel the vapors that rise like cold spectres, reaching for my soul, caressing my spirit, gripping my heart. I remember the chaos of my mind as it ran, gibbering, in circles around and around my fears and failures. I am hoping with all my heart that I have managed to raise myself up above the lip of the chasm. Or at least have a fingerhold on the rim, and a ledge beneath my toes, a sense that I will make it over the top without plummeting back into that murky depth that no light penetrates.
Today is the first day I feel that my mind has managed to slip free of the self-flagellating, self-defeating cycle that has been the norm for far too long. I feel that I am gaining better perspective on my past, present and future. Though I may be deluding myself in an effort to at least pretend that the abyss has lost its hold on me. Today I managed to glean more truths about the Me that I have been missing, the Me that needs to be present for balance.
These truths, which are not self-evident, have made me come to grips with lies that I have been telling myself for so long that I truely believed them. That is an interesting thing about lies, the longer they are lived, the more strength and power they develop, until they seem to be honest truth. Lies to self are not easy to uncover, and are very difficult to face down and purge. It is a painful process. It is humbling, humiliating and yet empowering. I understand my reasons for these lies. They really were not much different than the "little white lies" that we tell those that we love in order to protect them from brutal truths. But in my case, they were lies I told myself in an attempt to protect myself from perceived hurt, risk and vulnerability. It worked, maybe too well. But I still ended up on the bad end of the deal. And now I am having to lecture myself on the importance of honesty, especially to myself.